finding confidence June 30, 2009

i realized the other day that my experience with recurrent miscarriage has resulted in me feeling a pervasive lack of self-confidence…maybe it hasn’t actually been the “result of”…because if i’m really honest, i wasn’t the poster child for self-confidence prior to all of the baby-loss…so i guess what i’m saying is that the miscarrying exaggerated or aggravated or highlighted my sense of incompetency…as a woman, as a therapist, as a wife, as a friend*…yes, these days i feel a pervasive sense of worthlessness.

 

you don’t need to spend a fortune on an education to see it:  i’m depressed.

 

not clinically–don’t worry.  i eat (a little too much), i sleep (not quite enough), i go to work (even though i’d rather say home), i keep up on personal hygeine (there’s nothing i hate more than feeling stinky–except when camping…then i love being dirty!)…yes, the writing is on the wall. 

 

i’m depressed.

 

but this doesn’t really concern or alarm me.  of course i’m depressed.  i’m in the midst of a storm of a lifetime’s worth of grief, unanswerable questions and insatiable desire for a life/fantasy that may or may not ever become reality—and while i’m being honest, let me also acknowledge that fantasies rarely, if ever, come to fruition….meaning, even if we have children one day, the reality of parenthood and family-life will scarcely live up to the dream.  i know this.

 

but it doesn’t deter me.  and depression doesn’t scare me—well, not usually.  all it means is that at this moment in my life, i’m experiencing an intensity of emotion that far exceeds my capacity for language, expression, and probably most of all far outweighs my desire to find language and a mode of expressing what i’m feeling.

 

and so i move forward…one step in front of the other…slowly finding ways to express some of what’s happening inside…painting, creating, talking, loving, crying—-and sometimes even vegging out helps. 

 

somewhere in the midst of this present maelstrom of my life’s ups and downs i will find myself again…my self-confidence, my sense of value, direction and meaning…each of these will return to me in a way my tiny babies never will.

 

*foot note:  strangely, i haven’t lost confidence in myself as a nanny…perhaps this is how i know i’ll be okay…through all of this i have maintained some hearty ability to mother…the kids i nanny and most importantly, myself.  thank you for this gift, h.

another milestone on the infertility journey June 29, 2009

i’ve wasted a fortune on pregnancy tests and another very small fortune on ovulation predictor kits…and really the one opk wouldn’t have even been that expensive if i hadn’t become obsessed with needing to buy it in the middle of the night when only the grocery store was open…

 

i’m here to tell you ladies….do not expect your local grocery store to cut you a deal in the middle of the night for an opk!  in fact, that reminds me of something horrifically embarrassing that happened that night at the store…

 

i was in line, minding my own business, about to waste my money on an overly fancy and way too expensive kit.  when it was my turn, i handed the goods over to the manager who was running the register (you know it’s either really late at night or super, super busy in the store when the manager is running the register…in this case it was the former).  he scanned the kit and said,

 

“my god, $38!  for that price it should at least come with some videos!”

 

i was in a hurry because i was feeling guilty about wasting the money on it so in the moment his comment didn’t really faze me too much more than my own guilt already had.  it wasn’t until i got into my car that i realized what he said, what i was buying, and what he probably meant…now, that’s just unprofessional!

 

i wish i would have said something like, ”i’m sorry, but i don’t need to be watching people with better bodies than me doing better moves than me while we’re ttc—believe me, i have enough insecurity, guilt and shame about my infertility issues as it is….i do not need to add to this by watching other people do it.  but thank you kindly for the suggestion.”

 

anyway, that whole story got me way off the trail…where was i?

 

oh yes!  i’ve spent fortunes on pregnancy tests and opk’s.  and i’ve read on multiple blogs that the tests and kits are much less expensive when purchased over the net…and when using them compulsively, as in my case, expense matters! 

 

so i passed another milestone on my fertility hunt—i bought a huge combo pack of pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits on line last night…and let me tell you, i got a steal of a deal…these tests actually included the videos just as that manager suggested!

 

just kidding.

 

but they were really affordable and now i can feed my compulsion to test any old time of the day or night with very little guilt over the expense…i will say, however, that i felt saddened after the rush of excitement over knowing i’d be able to test to my heart’s content passed…saddened that our efforts to have a baby have come to this.  scheduled sex.  intense hoping followed by devastating disappoinment and loss.  i so much wish we would have been one of those couples who just–oops!–got pregnant and 40 weeks later held their healthy baby in their arms.  i so much wish our blueberry would have lived…

 

but that’s not our story.  recurrent miscarriage is our story so far…i’m grateful books have many chapters and i’m hoping to start a new one very soon.  this storyline is getting rather tiresome.

i can’t believe i said that June 28, 2009

i’m helping the famous maddie potty train when i’m with her three days a week…she a smart cookie and under ordinary circumstances would probably take to going on the potty like a fish to water….or something like that.

 

but these are not normal circumstances.  as much as we love each other, i’m not her mommy.  and now maddie’s adjusting to her mom heading back to work part-time, so the potty training is a bit of an overload it seems.

 

but the little cutie pie is trying her hardest to make it happen.  the other day she was sitting and sitting and waiting and sitting and trying and waiting and sitting.  but nothing was tinkling, if you know what i mean.

 

i asked her what she was feeling.  she threw her head back in utter exhaustion and said,

 

“i’m so tired of trying!”

 

well, i can certainly relate to that!  i was feeling a bit desperate to help her, grabbing for straws…anything to make it happen for her–anything!

 

and that was i said those six little words.  in the midst of my desperation and deep desire to say or do something to help her i said the thing i hate to hear and vowed i’d never say to anyone—ever.  i said,

 

“just relax and it will happen.”

 

immediately, i heard the irony.  i could not believe i said those words!  i hate hearing people say i need to relax…try going on vacation…blah, blah, blah.  and now i’m the one who, desperate to help someone i love so dearly, said those ridiculous words.

 

in that moment, i think we both knew that a little relaxation was not going to make it happen.

it happened June 26, 2009

yes, it happened.  i got my period.  we all knew it was coming–we even collectively hoped (and thank you for hoping with me against another m/c) i would see it this week (if you’re confused, click here).

 

and, so i have.  today, right on time like clock-work…and i’m not complaining about the clock-work part of my cycle…i know that this must not be taken for granted.  i wish it could be so for all of us.

 

though it is ultimately a “good thing” that i’m not pregnant this cycle, i do feel waves of sadness, as well as relief…given my progesterone levels last week i know it would have likely ended in another miscarriage…yet, somehow i remain part hopeful/part in denial when i believe that somehow against all odds maybe it could have survived. 

 

i don’t judge myself for my irrational, crazy-hopeful, sometimes obsessive thoughts, desires, and compulsions around ttc again.  it just is.  i’m not alone.  i’m midly whacky, but who cares?  crazy-ish people are a hell of a lot more fun–or at least that’s how i feel in this moment.

 

so, i will feel the sadness as it comes.  i will embrace the relief and the new opportunity we will have next month.  keep chugging my daily cache of supplements.  keep hoping.  keep wondering, anticipating, fearing, crying, contemplating and desiring.  i will keep living this good life i have and do whatever i can do to support my body’s healing…and we never know, maybe next month i won’t be seeing red.

maddie strikes again… June 25, 2009

so today she was sitting on the potty “trying” to go and she said out of the blue, “you look a bit like your mom.”

 

i said, “really?  well, thank you.”  i was a little shocked to hear her say such a thing, given my mom was dead for over a year before i even met maddie…matter of fact, before maddie was even born!

 

she said, “do you see her shadow over there?”

 

i got chills and repeated what she said with a puzzled look on my face. 

 

she said, “yes, do you see your shadow over there?”

 

make of it what you will, but this little girl amazes me…every day i’m starry-eyed and lovestruck in her presence.

 

plus—she thinks i look like my mom!

i never liked rollercoasters June 24, 2009

anyone who’s on this fertility hunt knows it’s one heck of a rollercoaster ride.  i hate rollercoasters.  i get motion sickness and crabby and tired and irritated just thinking about going to an amusement park.  yuck.

 

the good (or is it bad?) news is that to ride the fertility rollercoaster you don’t even need to leave your own home….but sometimes you may wish to leave your own skin….to be free from the ups and downs and loop-de-loops.

 

yes, you guessed it.  i’m back on the ride.  i must say i much enjoyed my six month hiatus…not ttc, fretting if we conceived, fretting that we’d miscarry, finding out we’d m/c’d, waiting to start bleeding, and waiting for my body to heal only to go through it once more…no, i did not miss any of that.

 

but here we are again.  back on the ride.  braving the loop-de-loops and all.  looks like there’s no baby this month and while i should be jumping up and down excited (what with the current poor prognosis and all), i must say i’m saddened.  naturally, i want to have the best possible environment for a baby to grow in, but i want it NOW!  i know y’all can relate.

 

so, i keep taking my supplements and hope my body uses this time to get more and more strengthened…and one day i hope i’m one of those lucky fertility hunters who gets to write a happy post about how i’m pregnant and all is well.  now, that’s the kind of ride i think i’d really like!

reasons…. June 23, 2009

…why i think i’m pregnant:

 

1. crabby.

2. headaches.

3. tired.

4. a bit crampy.

5. slightly sore-ish breasts (although if you are reading this and you know me, please don’t think about my breasts the next time you see me…that’d be awkward).

6. bloated.

7. i want to be.

8. that smiley face means i should be.

9. did i mention i’m crabby?

10. read #7 again.

 

….why i know i’m not pregnant:

 

1. the pee stick told me so.

 

i guess there’s always next month and the next and the next, ad infinitum….or something like that.  and it’s all good b/c that gives me time to get my progesterone up to snuff and such, but that’s like telling me i should pass on the ice cream b/c i’m trying to lose weight—it doesn’t take the desire away…

have i mentioned that i love my naturopath? June 22, 2009

dr. naturo is great.  she’s smart, thorough and kind.  she doesn’t get mad when her patients go against her recommendations…like when she tells them to wait longer before trying again.  instead of getting mad, she says things like:

 

“this has been a very fertile month for many of my patients.  maybe it will prove to be so for you as well.”

“sometimes our bodies know better than our doctors.”

“don’t feel ashamed.  if you’re pregnant, we’ll figure it out and do whatever we can to make it work.”

 

have you ever heard of a doc who encourages her patient to trust the body’s intuition?

 

i haven’t before now…it sure makes going to the doctor a much more relaxing and enjoyable experience.  although she did give me a vitamin injection….wow.  that was really something, but more about that later…for now, i’m just grateful she is willing to support and work with me—even when i go against doctor’s orders!

Happy Father’s Day from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull June 21, 2009

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this post was written by my huz for father’s day…i asked him a couple of months ago if he’d be willing to write a father’s day post and he agreed, however, as the day was approaching he said he was feeling nervous and wasn’t sure what to write.  i was hoping he’d write a bit more from his heart about what it’s like to not be a father on father’s day, but instead to have three miscarriages under our belts this year.  when i told him as much, he replied, “sweetie, i’m new to blogging.  i don’t know who’s reading this and i’m not sure i want to tell them those things.”

i can appreciate his viewpoint, so as you read his post below, you’ll need to read between the lines a bit and imagine a man who has a heart so full of love and desire that he even practice burps our cat to prepare for fatherhood.  enjoy.

****

 

For father’s day this year, I gave my dad a Best Buy gift certificate enclosed in an Indiana Jones theme-song musical card.  Indiana Jones was a pretty memorable part of my childhood and I remember watching the movies with my parents when I was young.  Even though the most recent Indiana Jones movie wasn’t nearly as good the earlier ones, I was still excited to see Harrison Ford on the front of the card and hear the theme song when I opened it.  Yeah, it’s a little on the cheesy side, I know, but I hoped that my dad would appreciate the thought.  Things between my dad and me aren’t always easy, however, I’m working on developing a better relationship with him.  One of the ways I’ve done that is by trying to share older memories together - things we used to do when I was young, places we went, etc.  My dad isn’t particularly good at remembering these kinds of things, or at least he doesn’t seem to talk about them easily, without a lot of prompting on my part.  But I think it’s good for us to remember together, especially, as I know I’m not always going to be able to have these conversations with him.

I like to think that my son or daughter would want to reminisce about old times with me when I’m older.  Of course, my wife and I don’t have any children, which is why my wife started this blog.  If we are fortunate enough to have children someday, I hope my son and/or daughter will give me a cheesy father’s day card with some type of trivia or movie nostalgia.  I’m not sure what kinds of things kids are into nowadays, but I hope I can tell them how much I enjoy that memory and then I’ll tell them about how I gave my father this Indiana Jones card.  Of course, they’ll probably look at me and say “Indiana what?!”

No bother.  Happy Father’s Day.

the power of a smiley face June 17, 2009

i never would have become a woman obsessed if it wasn’t for that damned ovulation predictor kit.  believe-you-me, i fully intended to obey dr. naturo’s orders to wait a while longer before ttc.  you may have even read about it here.  then you may have noticed my resolve waning a bit if you read this.  but all in all, i was feeling pretty confident that i would not try to do everything in my power to convince the huz-man that it was okay for us to start trying again this cycle.

 

somewhere along the way, i decided to ask my naturopath to do a few more blood draws, which you may have read about here the other day.  well, in order to do the pooled progesterone test, i needed to know when i was ovulating.  dr. naturo told me to use an ovulation test kit to predict it, which would then help me determine days 5-9 of my luteal phase this cycle.  then i was to go to the lab three out of those five days for a draw.

 

okay, i thought.  no problem.  anyway, i never really thought i’d get a positive on the lh kit because i never have in the past when we’ve used them.  truthfully, we’ve only used one kit; it never gave us a positive and we conceived that month anyway….so, i went into it this time expecting nothing from the sticks.  i thought i’d never see a positive and i’d just assume day 14 was ovulation day for me and start counting from there.

 

well, the first stupid stick gave me a smiley face after three minutes!  and there you have it peeps—that friggin’ smiley face triggered a deluge of biological clock longings more vast and devastatingly urgent than a tidal wave.

 

after i saw that damn smiley face, i begged and pleaded and cajoled and, finally, convinced huz that it would be okay to start trying this month even though dr. naturo told us otherwise.  to be fair to myself, huz wasn’t a tough sell.  he’s excited about potentially being a dad one day, too.  the waiting is hard on both of us.  sometimes we get a little over zealous in our hopefulness and lose track with reality.

 

we got the preliminary results on the majority of the tests back today.  i am meeting with dr. naturo on friday before i head over for my acupuncture appointment to discuss the results more fully.  but she told me that it looks like i’m deficient in vitamin b-6 (which my sister practically diagnosed already on her own—i’m telling you, sis, medical school is the route for you).  the pooled progesterone blood work showed my progesterone is low (i’d have thought the western medical doctors might have clued in on this one already, given all the previous blood work-ups i’ve had done, but i guess not).  and then there are the couple of test results that haven’t come back yet–i think my iron level is one for which we are waiting.

 

let me just say, it’s a very bizarre phenomenon for me to find myself desperately pleading and wishing and hoping that we were UNsuccessful in fertilizing an egg this month.  i know we should have listened.  i know we made a mistake and i’m begging for mercy on our souls….i will be greatly relieved to get my period next week.  please, please, please, not this month.  we need time to get my progesterone leveled out, figure out the b-6 deficiency, etc.  we need just a little more time.