it’s been a while August 30, 2009

i’ve been quiet lately…mainly because i’ve been out of town for the past two weeks and blogging hasn’t been high on my priority list, nor have i had much time to slow down and reflect.

 

but i’ve also been quiet because i haven’t wanted to blog.  i haven’t wanted to slow down and feeeeeeeeel.  i’ve been on autopilot, rushing through my feelings and trying to keep a step or two ahead of the weight of anxiety that threatens to crush me, especially at night.

 

on tuesday i’ll be ten weeks.  i haven’t gotten this far before, but i’m also painfully aware of the possibility of a missed miscarriage…i know of women who’ve not known for weeks that their babies stopped growing and so, naturally, i fear this for myself in this pregnancy.

 

we meet with our midwife on wednesday evening for the first time.  i’m looking forward to it and i’m scared.  i vascillate between thoughts consumed with the question of what if there’s no heartbeat and a total confidence that we’ll hear a beautifully beating heart with no trouble at all.  i feel like a monkey on a ropes course, swinging back and forth and all around.

 

i’m worn out.  how do those monkeys do it?!

 

today marks our 6 year wedding anniversary.  we drove to the beach for fish and chips, walked along the water a bit and headed home….nothing too big, since we just returned from our vacation, but just a little something to take a moment to remember………remember where we’ve been and where we’re headed.  as with all couples who’ve been together for a while, we’ve been through a lot.

 

and i’m thankful that for the most part, on most days, we’d rather go through it with each other than with anyone else.

 

so we will be together on wednesday when for better or worse we will find out what’s happening so far with this pregnancy…and i wouldn’t want it any other way.

another first and a last August 13, 2009

well, today marks a first and a last.

 

the first?

 

i barfed in the parking lot at the grocery store.  right next to my car.  three times.  never even saw it coming until my mouth was bombarded with pre-throw-up spit…i know—tmi.  sorry.

 

i was freaking out because i HATE to puke.  i hate it.  i thought, “oh shit.  what should i do?  what should i do?!”

 

pull your hair back and lean over!  this vomit is coming out whether you like it or not.

 

as i was finishing up, a van pulled into the spot directly across from where i was heaving.  the driver flung open her door and shouted, “do you need help?!”

 

“i’m sorry you had to see that.  no, i’m okay.  i think it’s morning sickness.”

 

yep, morning sickness to go right along with evening migraines.  peachy.

 

but i’ll go through anything…public barfing included…if it means a baby.

 

that was a first for me.  and what was today’s last?

 

today i opened the last jar of my mom’s applesauce.  i was trying to think of what i could eat and i remembered my sister teaching me brat—bananas, rice, applesauce and toast.  perfect, i thought!  that’s just what i need on a day like today…my mom’s homemade applesauce.

 

i cried as i opened the dusty final jar.  my mom made this applesauce the fall just before she died.  at the time, i was having a craving for it, so i asked her if she’d be willing to make some and send it to me.  there’s nothing like mom’s homemade applesauce.  plus, my huz hadn’t tasted it before.  boy, was he in for a treat.  after he took his first bite he said dreamily, “yummmm, that’s the best applesauce i’ve ever tasted.”

 

my mom sent me three big jars of sauce wrapped in microfiber kitchen towels…she was so excited about that new technology, she wanted to share it.  i still have the towels and until this morning, i had one more jar of her sauce.

 

this is the last food i will taste that she made.  with her own pretty little hands.  this is it.  there won’t be anymore.  that makes me so, so sad. 

 

even when i try to replicate her recipes, they never turn out right.  oh well, “just keep trying, honey.  you’ll get it.”  that’s what she used to tell me when i’d complain about my most recent recipe flop…just keep trying, honey.

 

and that’s just what i’m doing, mom.  thanks for the applesauce.

a first August 7, 2009

my ultrasound appt was yesterday morning…very early.  i couldn’t sleep past 4:45a.  i was anxious and scared and feeling very young.

 

the medical imaging clinic dr. naturo referred me to did not allow partners to go into the exam rooms until the end.  when they told me this on the phone, i thought i was fine with that.  until i put the gown on and got up on the table, that is.  then the panic set in. 

 

i felt alone and naked.  on top of this, i was sure my bladder was going to burst any minute.  i’ve never heard of them using the stomach ultrasound tool (i have no idea what the heck to call it) for a pregnancy that’s 6 weeks along.  each time she pressed on my bladder i thought i would pee on the table.  luckily, i was able to use the restroom before the transvaginal u/s.

 

the tech should become a professional poker player…her poker face kept me on pins and needles for 50 mins while she poked and prodded.  i literally had no idea what she was seeing or not seeing.  this not-knowing was really beginning to take its toll on me…at one point i sighed heavily while tears were streaming down the sides of my face and she asked me if i was okay.  i said, “i’m just anxious to hear the results.”  “oh, the doctor will tell you.”

 

what?

 

in my previous two experiences with ultrasounds, the doctor is brought in to deliver the bad news (and even in those two cases, the tech told me what she was not seeing as she was not seeing it).  well, then the tears really started to flow.  i was in a panic and feeling desperate to get off that table to find my huzzy.  i was mentally planning the phone calls i needed to make to rearrange the rest of my day…i was envisioning myself holed up in my room for the coming week.

 

i was in a panic.

 

then she called the dr to come in.  oh my.

 

he said, “well, you’re obiously pregnant.  what are we looking at here?  6 weeks?”

 

tech replied, “yep, 6w2d.”

 

and then the dr started giving her instructions on showing him my ovaries and such, making her sound like a total idiot and i felt bad for her while simultaneously trying to make sense of whether he’d just delivered good news or bad news to me.  he was so matter of fact.  so dry.  so not excited.

 

just before he turned to walk out he said, “well, everything looks good so far.  congratulations.”

 

i was thinking, “really?  well, how come you’re not showing me anything?”  so i asked the tech if she would let me see (can you believe i had to ask if i could see?!).  the dr heard and gave his approval for her to show me.

 

and that was when i saw our little baby, right inside of me with a tiny little dash of a heartbeat.  i’ve never seen anything like it inside of me.  i’ve never been able to see the baby or a fetal pole or anything…it’s always been darkness.

 

but yesterday there was light.  a tiny little spark of life with the most beautiful little heartbeat. 

 

and while we all know anything can happen…….i am in awe and am thrilled to announce a first for me: yesterday i saw a baby and a heartbeat!!

it’s a boy! August 5, 2009

or a girl.

 

it’s hard for my acupuncturist to tell through my body’s energy pulses.  the thing is my pulses are stronger on the left side, which in chinese medicine means it’s a girl.  however, my acupuncturist informed me that she is consistently wrong about the gender, so that means it’s a boy.

 

it’s actually kind of a fun diversion to think about this experience than my impending ultrasound which will give us some definitive answers….fantasy is always much more fun than reality.

 

so, there you have it folks….it’s a boy!  or a girl!

a decision has been made August 5, 2009

thanks to all who responded to my plea for help in making this decision.

 

 thankyouthankyouthankyou.

 

i took it all in and, of course, over-thought it…(i totally resonated with your comments, kate and jeanine.)

 

and i’m nervous to announce that—for better or worse—i have made my decision.

 

i realized that while initially it was helpful not to be poked and prodded, it is currently driving me crazy to not know whether this pregnancy is viable.  i need to know.  i really resonated with many of your comments re: this and especially when MEG.said she wouldn’t want to be surprised by a miscarriage on a vacation…that clicked with me.  (by the way, do you mind that i always type your name as “MEG.”?  i like it, but wondered the other day if you find it annoying…if so, i’ll stop…just say the word.)

 

so……………..i called dr. naturo on monday morning and told her i was ready for the referrals for an ultrasound.  by monday evening, i’d made the appointment.  then i read gabby’s comment about “trying on” a decision to see how it feels…and while i’d already actually gone ahead with my decision to make the appointment, it was really helpful for me to pause for a moment to check in with myself on how i’m feeling.

 

and i’m feeling anxious.  which is why i’m up in the middle of the night right now. 

 

i’ve never had a positive outcome to an ultrasound.  maybe this week will be a first.  maybe not.

 

but i’m as ready as i’ll ever be to find out what’s happening…at least, what’s happening at this point…sadly, many of us know that things can change…even after an ultrasound.

 

once again, thank you all for your kind wishes and support.  putting it out there and hearing from you really helped me get connected with what i want and need right now.

 

thank you.

it’s complicated August 2, 2009

well, the days are creeping and crawling and certainly not flying by for me lately.  i’m spending a lot of time contemplating how i want to handle the next step: ultrasound.

 

originally dr. naturo and i agreed that i wouldn’t do the initial blood work, but i would have an ultrasound at 7 weeks to see how this pregnancy is progressing.  but since that conversation, i’ve gone back and forth about whether or not i want to actually have the ultrasound as planned.

 

the thing is…

 

if the news is bad, i don’t want to go thru another round of waiting to miscarry.  i’ve been thru that twice already (my first m/c was a complete shock) and it is not fun.

 

additionally, the 7 week mark falls just before i leave on a two week trip to see family and friends across the country.  i do not want to spend a week or more of my vacation waiting to miscarry and carrying the weight of grief on my shoulders…at all, but certainly not while i’m mingling with friends and family.

 

on the flip side, waiting until we return (my huz will join me part way thru the two weeks) for the ultrasound feels like an eternity.  not to mention, the prometrium is causing me to blow up like a blowfish and let me tell you, i am not looking forward to seeing people looking like i do….and i really don’t want to continue inflating if it’s all for nothing.  i will gladly deal with pregnancy weight shame, but packing on more weight if the pregnancy isn’t viable is not my idea of a good time.  but i suppose either way the damage is done in terms of my upcoming trip…it’s not like i’d be able to do anything about the current bodily inflation either way in that short of an amount of time.

 

all of this going on about this and that is because i’m scared.  i don’t know which way to turn and whatever choice i make holds the possibility for joy and devestation…there is no safe route.  my huz tries to listen and discuss the options with me, but in the end he says that i’m really the only one who can make this decision…i agree with him and disagree at the same time.

 

aaaaaahhhhhhh!!  i’m driving myself crazy.  one minute i think i’m ready to find out what’s happening inside of me and the next i’m paralyzed and absoluely NOT ready.

 

so i ask you….what would you do if you were faced with these two choices:

1.  schedule ultrasound in week 7 (the week of august 10th), knowing that whatever the result you are leaving for a 2 wk vacation on august 14th.

2.  keep hanging in there until you return from your vacation and schedule an ultrasound in week 10.

 

i need my mom…please help!