i know i’ve been quiet lately…i was talking to my big sister about my silence the other day. i was trying to articulate what it is that’s holding me back from writing.
i don’t know all the reasons consciously, but i’m certainly aware of a few…for one, i know that i don’t want to worry anymore. i don’t want to feel those all too familiar panicky feelings…i want to ignore them, dodge them, hide from them….be free.
obviously, not writing doesn’t prevent these scary feelings from breaking through to my conciousness, but it doesn’t keep me from trying to escape them.
next, between bouts with nasty migraines and house guests (the house guests aren’t responsible for causing my migraines, it’s just a coincidence they are mentioned in the same sentence), i’ve been busy. busy. busy.
plus, my computer has been unreliable. ever since i downloaded adobe flash player it’s been acting crazy….and i’m tired of fighting it sometimes.
additionally, my work as a teaching assistant (in addition to my other jobs) has picked up again now that the school year has begun…and i’m tired.
then there’s the guilt i feel that the hunt for my fertility, while a deeply painful and grueling journey for me, is nothing compared to what many of you have endured and continue to endure….i remember many of you daily.
and so, here i am…trying to wade through my feelings of panic and loss amidst the flurry of excitement and hope with each gas bubble i feel (it could be the baby moving, you know). i’m confused and caught in the middle of all that i feel, yet full of smiles when i remember the sound of our baby’s heartbat. it’s a complex place i’m navigating and all i can say is i don’t know how i’d even begin to do so if it weren’t for the several years of therapy i’ve experienced that taught me how to even begin to attempt to locate myself amidst emotional storms like these….or at least showed me through experience that eventually the tides will turn if i simply hang on long enough…i know i won’t feel whatever i’m feeling forever.
and so, i’m hanging on….hoping to see our baby floating around inside of me on november 6th and bursting with excitement to hear the heartbeat again on the 21st of october at our next prenatal appt. in the meantime, i’ve made the switch to maternity clothes, which are too big, but at least they fit better than my pre-pregnancy clothes, which barely fit at all….i’m so, so hoping i continue to fill them up with my growing baby tummy (i really don’t like the word belly).
i suppose that’s all i know for now. thanks for hanging in there with me, riding this roller coaster to the end….i hope it’s one of those rides where i think at the end, “i’m SO glad i rode that!”
I remember when I first began reading your blog. Your blog was one of the first I found when I was trying not to drown in grief over my first miscarriage. I remember you wrote about the pain of losing your mother and the pain of the losses you experienced. I appreciated the honesty of your blog and was hooked ever since. I don’t blame you now, for your silence. This is your blog and you should use it as you feel comfortable. I do undersatnd the feeling of guilt. I haven’t suffered as much as many other IF sisters, but I try to remind myself this isn’t the “pain olympics” as someone once put it. All of our pain is there and unique and its true and authentic. If you want to talk or vent on’t let that hesitation stop you.
I’ll be thinking of you these upcoming weeks, please do drop in and post from time to time to keep us posted on the little one and how you’re doing!
i know, i know.. i haven’t been posting as much either. this pregnancy thing is different. waiting.. just a different kind of waiting.. was excited to hear from you, and hoping for all the good news. You’re wearing maternity clothes – that’s great news!
I hear you. My updates have been sparse precisely because of that. Thinking of you.