it’s a……… November 6, 2009

well, today we finally made it to our 20 wk anatomy scan.  boy, are they ever detailed at those appointments!!  the tech just got right down to business as soon as i got up on the table.

 

“there’s the head…there’s the this…”

 

30 seconds into the scan, i interrupted her saying, “do you think it’s alive?”

 

she turned from all business/gruff to sweet and gentle.  she said, “oh honey, of course it’s alive.  back up here….see?  there’s the beating heart.  do you see it?”

 

yes, i could see it and then she squeezed my arm to let me know it was going to be okay. 

 

naturally i felt nervous with every new body part they were checking out.  kidneys?  check.  bladder?  yep, bladder’s good.  diaphram? there it is.  let’s check out the spinal column…everything’s great.  what about that little bitty brain?  check, check.  now let’s take forever to check out the heart…………..still checking………….still……………okay, that looks great, too.  well, now that all that was over she said, “i suppose you want to know the gender if i can tell?”

 

UM, YES!  that’s the whole reason i was at the appointment in the first place!

 

so she took her time to get a nice clear view.  i wasn’t sure what in the world we were looking at and then just before she said it out loud i thought i could tell…

 

drum roll please…………………………………………………………..

 

it’s

 

a

 

GIRL!

 

and we are delighted.

counting down November 3, 2009

i’m 19wks today.  our next scan is scheduled for friday in the late afternoon….and let me tell you, i am counting down the minutes until then.

 

will it be a boy or a girl?!?  this question makes me feel so excited, which is kind of funny b/c i began this pregnancy thinking i wouldn’t want to know until it’s born.  ha!  i never would have made it.  never.

 

i’m also afraid about friday’s scan.  afraid there will be bad news.  i actually know of several stories of friends or friends of friends who’ve lost their babies at 19wks….just make it through 19wks, make it through, make it through…

 

i’m grateful my huz will be there with me and also a dear friend…i’m so looking forward to sharing this experience with our friend (as long as it’s good news!).

 

so, here i am…three days, 6 1/2 hours until our appt.  i’ll keep you all posted as to the results!  (by the way, i’m thinking boy.)

prenatal exam #2…done! October 22, 2009

last night we had our second prenatal exam…our midwife was running late–very late, but i didn’t care.  i just wanted to hear our baby’s heartbeat.

 

as the midwife was coming out to the lobby to get us, i heard her say, “I hope lilly hasn’t left yet.”  are you kidding me?!  i wasn’t going anywhere….not until i heard that whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, no matter how long it took her.

 

it turned out to be a good thing she was running late anyway b/c my huz was stuck in terrible traffic on his way there.  plus, once he met me at the office it was nice for us to have a chance to catch up with each other before heading in to the meeting.

 

anyway, anyway, anyway……….blah, blah, blah.  here’s the long and the short of it: we heard our baby bear’s heartbeat again. YAY!  the baby kept moving around so that we’d briefly hear the whooshing and then–poof!  it was gone.  so funfunfun!

 

now i’m counting down until november 6th for our ultrasound….is it a boy or a girl?!  i have a guess—what do you think?

i had a dream… October 14, 2009

…and it was a scary one.  a really scary one.

 

and for the last 6 days or so i’ve been trying desperately to forget it.  but guess what?  i have a memory like an elephant.  i remember everything.  except these days a lot of important details do fall through the cracks since i’m all “baby!baby!baby!” in my brain.  i suppose since this particular bad dream had to do with our baby, it’s extra cemented in there.

 

so, i dreamt we were at our next ultrasound appt (which i’ve been aching to get to…i’m going bonkers waiting for another look at this little one).  at the appointment, the tech put the thingy on my tummy and pretty immediately knew that something was wrong.  the tech said, “see the heart there?  it popped out of the sac.  your baby’s dead.”

 

oh no!!  the heart popped out of the sac!!  please stay in there little heart. 

 

(let me say, i’ve never actually heard of this happening in reality, but it was so very real in my dream.)

 

and ever since i’ve been fearful…fearful of everything baby related.  i’m desperate to hear the heartbeat again next weds…is it the 21st yet?!

 

this in-between-pregnant-but-not-showing-can’t-feel-the-baby-moving-yet era of my pregnancy is rough for me.  there’s not much i can reassure myself with, especially since i’m not barfy or nauseous much at all these days…so in my desperate-ness i made a list of my symptoms:

1. my chest is definitely not shrinking….not at all.

2. i’m not bleeding.

3. i’m not cramping.

4. my back is not suddenly aching with labor pains (it is tight however in my lower back, but that’s always been true about me–at least for the last 6 years or so).

5. the lump of chub above my belly button is becoming slightly less pronounced–i can only deduce this must be due to an imperceptible increase in my baby bulge below said lump.

6. i suffer from heartburn daily.

7. and, finally, i’m hungry beyond belief.  all the time.

 

so this tiny little list that barely counts toward pregnancy symptoms keeps me semi-sane….and i use the word “semi” very loosely.

 

so, here i am.  hanging in there and trying to pretend i’m one of those women who has nothing to worry about because pregnancy just naturally results in a healthy baby.  (i so wish that was true for all of us.)

sometimes it’s fun to dream… October 10, 2009

…if not risky.

 

today, my huz and i started our day at a local coffee shop reading a financial book together…one of his favorite pastimes.  (i could do without, but he likes to think about our finances so i try to indulge him from time to time.)

 

anyway, we were on our way from there to the grocery store when my huz looked to the right and said, “i’ve always wondered where that road leads.  one day i’d like to drive along there to see.”  i said, “why not today?”  and we were off on a mini adventure that led us to one of the coolest places.

 

that’s when i started dreaming about taking our children there one day…to the sandy shores with great pieces of driftwood perfect for climbing and hiding…to the pier to watch the fisherwomen and men…to the play structure for hours of fun.

 

i was walking around, checking out the scenery and trying to figure out which islands i was looking at across the bay…thinking all the while that i’m so glad we live in such a beautiful and surprising place…we had no idea this park existed less than five miles from our house until we took our spontaneous little adventure today.

 

i wish all roads lead to beauty.

it’s been too long October 6, 2009

i know i’ve been quiet lately…i was talking to my big sister about my silence the other day.  i was trying to articulate what it is that’s holding me back from writing.

 

i don’t know all the reasons consciously, but i’m certainly aware of a few…for one, i know that i don’t want to worry anymore.  i don’t  want to feel those all too familiar panicky feelings…i want to ignore them, dodge them, hide from them….be free.

 

obviously, not writing doesn’t prevent these scary feelings from breaking through to my conciousness, but it doesn’t keep me from trying to escape them.

 

next, between bouts with nasty migraines and house guests (the house guests aren’t responsible for causing my migraines, it’s just a coincidence they are mentioned in the same sentence), i’ve been busy.  busy.  busy.

 

plus, my computer has been unreliable.  ever since i downloaded adobe flash player it’s been acting crazy….and i’m tired of fighting it sometimes.

 

additionally, my work as a teaching assistant (in addition to my other jobs) has picked up again now that the school year has begun…and i’m tired.

 

then there’s the guilt i feel that the hunt for my fertility, while a deeply painful and grueling journey for me, is nothing compared to what many of you have endured and continue to endure….i remember many of you daily.

 

and so, here i am…trying to wade through my feelings of panic and loss amidst the flurry of excitement and hope with each gas bubble i feel (it could be the baby moving, you know).  i’m confused and caught in the middle of all that i feel, yet full of smiles when i remember the sound of our baby’s heartbat.  it’s a complex place i’m navigating and all i can say is i don’t know how i’d even begin to do so if it weren’t for the several years of therapy i’ve experienced that taught me how to even begin to attempt to locate myself amidst emotional storms like these….or at least showed me through experience that eventually the tides will turn if i simply hang on long enough…i know i won’t feel whatever i’m feeling forever.

 

and so, i’m hanging on….hoping to see our baby floating around inside of me on november 6th and bursting with excitement to hear the heartbeat again on the 21st of october at our next prenatal appt.  in the meantime, i’ve made the switch to maternity clothes, which are too big, but at least they fit better than my pre-pregnancy clothes, which barely fit at all….i’m so, so hoping i continue to fill them up with my growing baby tummy (i really don’t like the word belly).

 

i suppose that’s all i know for now.  thanks for hanging in there with me, riding this roller coaster to the end….i hope it’s one of those rides where i think at the end, “i’m SO glad i rode that!”

the sweetest thing September 22, 2009

i met another milestone yesterday when i went to my very first prenatal appointment with my midwives.

 

how do i love thee, midwives?  let me count the ways:

• i don’t have to get weighed…EVER!
• i don’t have to have any pap smears/pelvic exams until a month or two after i deliver!
• they weren’t mad at me when i accidentally peed into the toilet instead of into the cup they just finished instructing me on how to use!
• and finally, they found our little baby bear’s heartbeat in 30 seconds or less with the doppler!!

 

and the sound of our little one’s heartbeat is truly the sweetest thing.

baby bear’s first picture September 17, 2009

here’s our little baby bear measuring 13w3d…unbelievable!

i know u/s pics are more exciting and incredible to the mom and dad than to anyone else…i don’t blame you if you can’t make heads or tails of the pic…it’s just fun for me to finally have a picture of my very own baby.  i really wondered if it would ever happen for us and we don’t take any part of this experience for granted.

 

no matter how the next six months play out (or the rest of my life, for that matter)…….i will always, always have this moment in time…the first time i saw a baby in my very own womb kicking and flailing around.  i’m still in awe.

2nd u/s! September 15, 2009

well, i thought the u/s at 6w2d was amazing…and it was.

 

but today’s was something beyond words.  and a much, much, much better experience than working with the previous technician and clinic.  for that i am grateful.

 

our baby bear (we are the bear family, after all—huzzy bear, schweetie bear…) is measuring big…giving us a new, earlier due date!  i thought i was 12w0d today; turns out i’m actually measuring 13w3d today…..i leapt right into the beginning of my second trimester and didn’t even know it!

 

the tech reported that all the measurements were looking great and we scheduled our next scan for early november.  i can’t believe we get to see our little bear again (we hope)!

 

and now, for the first time ever, we get to have u/s pics on our refrigerater….i wish this experience, plus more, on you all!!!!!!

 

and i’m sad that it’s not a given for any of us, including me even as i’m in the beginning of my first trimester…i’m sad that life is so uncertain and fragile and sometimes exceedingly painful.

 

and i’m thankful that some days are fabulous days–no matter the outcome…nothing can take today’s memory away, not even death.

nerves September 7, 2009

we’re scared.

 

after a long, not-too-heated disagreement about how to spend a chunk of money this afternoon we both acknowledged that the crux of what we’re really feeling is panic.

 

it’s a simple case of “it looks like this baby might really be born; what the hell do we do now?”

 

panic.

 

please note: this panic does not equal regret or ambivalence re: the baby i’m carrying.  it is however deeply connected to our mutual fear of the unknown and of major changes.

 

both of which will come knocking on our door the moment our little bundle is delivered into our eager arms.

 

nothing about becoming first-time parents to a living baby will be easy, but we’re holding on to the hope that all the moms and dads who’ve gone before us are telling the truth……..all the fear of change and unknowns in the world doesn’t hold a candle to the joy and depth of love one feels the instant the little bundle of joy arrives.

 

and we desperately hope this little bundle does just that….arrives.