hawaii, here we come! November 27, 2009

the huz and i are starting to get pumped up for our upcoming trip to maui–plans we made before i became pregnant again, and i’m SO glad we did!  well, most of the time i’m glad…

 

however, today i’ve been a bit more focused on the down side:

 

the in-laws will be joining us (kind of–we will each have our own rental cars and will spend a lot of time as individual couples and not together, but still…).  i’m not known for being the most gracious daughter-in-law (among other things), nor are they the greatest in-laws in my opinion.  but over the years, we’ve managed to forge some semblance of a relationship even if it’s not what i’d always hoped for.  still, it’s a challenge to be with them.

 

another down-side…i tried on my warm weather clothes, most of which are pre-pregnancy.  oh my.  i don’t even know what to say.  i have a pitiful assortment of mismatched clothing to choose from, none of which includes even a single pair of shorts or capris at this point.  i have two skirts, though, so that’s a definite plus—except for the thigh rubbage issue...ouch!  it seems my body thinks my butt and thighs are pregnant, too.  i always wanted to be one of those lucky pregnant women who look so cute and adorable and only pregnant from the front.  this is not the case for me and i never really thought it would be.

 

another major bummer: i’m learning that the only thing worse than a fat stomach is a fat stomach that being pushed out by a baby bump.  this means i have a lovely two-bump thing going on in my mid-section…one above my belly button and one below.  i’m embarrassed, mainly because i’ve always been ashamed of my mid-section and now that the fat is way protruding, the shame is even more pronounced in me. 

 

i know, i know….how dare i even complain?  i ask myself this very question every time i get down on myself for not more carefully monitoring my weight in the months after my miscarriages….of course i was putting on some extra poundage–the hormone fluctuations alone were enough to pack on the pounds, not to mention the grief and frustration and everything else i was attempting to soothe with tasty treats.

 

i know all of this; i know i’m fortunate to even have a 22.5 wk old baby bump pushing out my tummy fat; i know it could be worse and that if this is the extent of my problems, i’m doing pretty damn well.

 

but i’m still vain.  i still worry about the potentially thoughtless comments my mother-in-law may make about my pudgy middle and how that will hurt.  i worry about not being able to lose the weight after the baby comes.  i worry about never feeling beautiful again.  i worry, worry, worry…and preparing to go to a lovely, warm, bikini-clad-beach location enhances my insecurities.

 

but don’t think for one minute that i’m even considering not going or that i’m wishing away this trip or this pregnancy—oh no!  i’m in it for the long haul…and i’m going to get through all of the feelings i’m having along the way.  it’s just that some days are more difficult in my emotional world than others……….and this is one of those days when i’m struggling along with my old friends, insecurity and self-torment.

 

i’ll get through, i always do.  and in the meantime, maybe i’ll get one of those bell.a ba.nds in an attempt to smooth out the belly bump!  have any advice on transforming two bumps into one?

the v-force September 19, 2009

so, last night i woke up at 3a again.  i gave up trying to fall asleep and instead went downstairs to catch up with my good friend tivo.

 

i managed to get through an oprah, a project runway and a flipping out all the while fighting against the onset of the extreme nausea i was feeling.  i haven’t felt nauseous for days now, so this came as quite an unwelcomed surprise.

 

at first i thought it was because i was hungry.  so i ate a yogurt.

 

nope, that only made it worse.  by an hour or so later i was in distress and trying to distract myself with my favorite shows.

 

then i remembered that mint is said to settle an upset stomach, so i broke out my altoids and ate one.

 

it went down okay.

 

until it didn’t.

 

suddenly i was overcome by the urge to vomit.  i ran to the bathroom, held my hair back and braced myself.

 

of course, i knew throwing up was inevitable by this point, but what i wasn’t prepared for was the v-force….i was horrified when i was vomitting to feel myself peeing from the force of the heaving! 

 

the good news?

 

altoids can actually freshen your breath in reverse, too.

 

now, i know this is all too much information, but so be it.  i know i’m not the only person in the world who shot out pee while vomitting.  and i’m not afraid to admit it either.

baby bear’s first picture September 17, 2009

here’s our little baby bear measuring 13w3d…unbelievable!

i know u/s pics are more exciting and incredible to the mom and dad than to anyone else…i don’t blame you if you can’t make heads or tails of the pic…it’s just fun for me to finally have a picture of my very own baby.  i really wondered if it would ever happen for us and we don’t take any part of this experience for granted.

 

no matter how the next six months play out (or the rest of my life, for that matter)…….i will always, always have this moment in time…the first time i saw a baby in my very own womb kicking and flailing around.  i’m still in awe.

what is there to say? September 16, 2009

for those of you who’ve been reading since the beginning (so that’s two of you probably—my life long friend and my sister!), you know that i planted flowers last spring in a pot on my front porch as a memorial to our three little lost ones.

 

i planted three yellow ranunculus (spelling?) amidst a sea of creamy pansies.  well, the yellow flowers died somewhere along the summer and while i knew this, i wasn’t yet ready to feel the symbolism or at least i wasn’t ready to yank the dead plants out of the pot.

 

so i let them be.

 

my neighbor with whom we share the front porch/deck with, however, did not let them be.  i noticed a few weeks ago that the dead plants were missing from our pot.  i thought…oh meanie pants must have pulled the plants out!  (we call her mp for short—she was mean at first; now she’s just controlling and overbearing, but the nickname stuck.)  i was a little surprised, but not really.

 

today, i am surprised.  i opened our front door, which we don’t do very often because we don’t like the possibility of people looking in (huz esp doesn’t like this), and what did i see? 

 

not my sea of creamy pansies.  no.

 

i saw a completely different design in our pot (the pot we chose specifically for our baby memorial)!  our neighbor planted tall grass in the middle of new, fresh pansies to match what she planted in the pot that’s on her side of the porch.  in addition she put two chairs on our side to match the chairs she has on her side!

 

now, let me say in all fairness….the arrangement is beautiful and the chairs are inviting.  actually, i’d thought at various times that maybe they would have some extra chairs or a bench or something that we could put on our side of the porch….but i thought maybe we’d at least talk about it first?

 

oh my.  what is there to say really?  how do i even begin to explain what my meager, dying pansies meant to me even if they looked bedraggled?  and do i even want to explain it?  no, i really don’t.

 

i’m just going to say thank you and let it be, i think.  maybe i’ll ask her to take over our balcony in the back of our place, too….come to think of it, i won’t need to ask her—i’m sure it’s on her to do list already!

it’s never too late to turn over a new leaf September 10, 2009

today, my 95 year old grandmother shocked the hell out of me.  she is not known in my family for her kindness or generosity—she stopped giving gifts to her grandchildren roughly 25 or 30 years ago.  and even then, we received $20 savings bonds or something like that.  not to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything, but a savings bond isn’t something i got excited about as a child.  i wanted a new cabbage patch doll or a strawberry shortcake something-or-other…not a piece of paper that said i couldn’t get my 20 bucks for several more years.

 

well, grandma must have sensed my resentment because she stopped giving those out, too.  i have very few memories of receiving much of anything from her in my lifetime…to be fair, i did receive a cross pen and pencil set from my grandma and grandfather on two different occasions (eighth grade and high school graduations, i think).

 

matter of fact, when my mom died she and my dad were living with and caring for my grandma in my grandma’s home (ironically my 95 year old grandma has far outlived her 61 year old daughter)…my sister and i helped my dad by sorting through my mom’s things—this was a big job, as my mother’s motto, as accurately articulated by my sister, was, “if one is good, two is better.”  we had a lot of crap to sort through…and we found some treasures, too.

 

anyway, as my sister and i were going through her things, occasionally we’d find something that would be perfect for one of our brothers to have, since they weren’t exactly going to be into wearing mom’s clothes like my sister and i did for comfort, especially in those early days.  we came across a set of kitchen canisters that we thought would match my brother and sister-in-laws kitchen decor.  after we sent them off to my brother, my sister received word through an aunt that my grandma was miffed that we took her canisters and that we needed to return them. 

 

she was 91 years old at the time and had not left her kitchen table—much less baked anything—for about 10 years!  but she needed those stupid canisters back in her storage room because they were hers.  and this is just one example.

 

so, as you can see, she just isn’t the most giving, generous person in the world.  by a long shot.

 

you can imagine then, my absolute shock when i received a note from her in the mail today……..with a check for a substantial chunk of moolah tucked inside.  i immediately teared up—my grandma isn’t like other grandma’s…she doesn’t give me anything….what is going on here?!

 

well, i called her up to thank her and she said, “i figured your generation needs the money more than i do…i thought you all [her grandkids] could use a boost right about now.”

 

um, yes, i can use a boost—so can our emergency fund, which i’ve been recently fretting over now that it seems our little one might really make it to full term.  and grandma did just that.  at 95 years old, she did something previously utterly uncharacteristic of herself…..she acted in generosity and kindness….for no other reason than to give her grankids a boost.

 

after the immediate shock and surprise wore off, i began to feel the familiar sadness of really wishing i could tell my mom about this.  she would NEVER believe her mother did such a thing.  NEVER.  i can just hear her gasp in disbelief in my imagination!

 

i learned an amazing lesson today…it’s never too late for someone to turn toward kindness…if my 95 year old, notoriously stingy grandma can do such a thing, anyone can!

 

what a great surprise.

nerves September 7, 2009

we’re scared.

 

after a long, not-too-heated disagreement about how to spend a chunk of money this afternoon we both acknowledged that the crux of what we’re really feeling is panic.

 

it’s a simple case of “it looks like this baby might really be born; what the hell do we do now?”

 

panic.

 

please note: this panic does not equal regret or ambivalence re: the baby i’m carrying.  it is however deeply connected to our mutual fear of the unknown and of major changes.

 

both of which will come knocking on our door the moment our little bundle is delivered into our eager arms.

 

nothing about becoming first-time parents to a living baby will be easy, but we’re holding on to the hope that all the moms and dads who’ve gone before us are telling the truth……..all the fear of change and unknowns in the world doesn’t hold a candle to the joy and depth of love one feels the instant the little bundle of joy arrives.

 

and we desperately hope this little bundle does just that….arrives.

another first and a last August 13, 2009

well, today marks a first and a last.

 

the first?

 

i barfed in the parking lot at the grocery store.  right next to my car.  three times.  never even saw it coming until my mouth was bombarded with pre-throw-up spit…i know—tmi.  sorry.

 

i was freaking out because i HATE to puke.  i hate it.  i thought, “oh shit.  what should i do?  what should i do?!”

 

pull your hair back and lean over!  this vomit is coming out whether you like it or not.

 

as i was finishing up, a van pulled into the spot directly across from where i was heaving.  the driver flung open her door and shouted, “do you need help?!”

 

“i’m sorry you had to see that.  no, i’m okay.  i think it’s morning sickness.”

 

yep, morning sickness to go right along with evening migraines.  peachy.

 

but i’ll go through anything…public barfing included…if it means a baby.

 

that was a first for me.  and what was today’s last?

 

today i opened the last jar of my mom’s applesauce.  i was trying to think of what i could eat and i remembered my sister teaching me brat—bananas, rice, applesauce and toast.  perfect, i thought!  that’s just what i need on a day like today…my mom’s homemade applesauce.

 

i cried as i opened the dusty final jar.  my mom made this applesauce the fall just before she died.  at the time, i was having a craving for it, so i asked her if she’d be willing to make some and send it to me.  there’s nothing like mom’s homemade applesauce.  plus, my huz hadn’t tasted it before.  boy, was he in for a treat.  after he took his first bite he said dreamily, “yummmm, that’s the best applesauce i’ve ever tasted.”

 

my mom sent me three big jars of sauce wrapped in microfiber kitchen towels…she was so excited about that new technology, she wanted to share it.  i still have the towels and until this morning, i had one more jar of her sauce.

 

this is the last food i will taste that she made.  with her own pretty little hands.  this is it.  there won’t be anymore.  that makes me so, so sad. 

 

even when i try to replicate her recipes, they never turn out right.  oh well, “just keep trying, honey.  you’ll get it.”  that’s what she used to tell me when i’d complain about my most recent recipe flop…just keep trying, honey.

 

and that’s just what i’m doing, mom.  thanks for the applesauce.

it must be a fluke July 27, 2009

i’m not even craving sugar these days.  now that is just plain crazy.  i don’t have an explanation—i’m just grateful for it and not asking questions.  i’m sure i’ll want to gorge on sweets soon enough…but i’m not going to wish these sugar-free(ish) days away!

 

although in the interest of full disclosure, i must say that i did eat a cupcake today, but only because there was a limit on how much you could charge at this little coffee and cupcake shop i went to this morning…well, with the iced tea i ordered i was under by 75 cents, so naturally i ordered a cupcake…and forced myself to eat it.

 

but, other than that, i’m mostly not eating much sugar these days…except there was that piece of ice cream cake i was forced to eat because we’d run out of room in the old freezer.  but, other than that…

as promised July 19, 2009

i promised to post vacation pics and now i’m delivering!  (i only wish i were delivering more than pictures…..a life?  one day, perhaps.)

 

but first, a few pics from the lovely wedding we attended “on the way” to our vacation.  our friends planned a fabulous weekend celebration experience for their wedding guests………and we all had a blast.  imagine roughly 30 people—many of whom do not know each other—staying together in a lodge out in the mountains for three full days!!  our wedding and reception lasted 2 hours and 15 minutes from start to finish and i thought that was a bit too long…….they were brave to plan something so lengthy and elaborate…..and it was a lovely experience in the end!  we were honored to be a part of their celebration.

 

our friends were a little bit crazy (i thought) for deciding to have their guests decorate their wedding cakes!!  they seperated us into four groups, armed us with frosting and candy decor and let us have at it.  (i snapped this photo before the contest began.)  for me, this was a highlight of the weekend…..i was proven way wrong—they weren’t crazy; they were brilliant!

 

i was having fun playing amateur volunteer photographer….i took this while waiting for the newlyweds to make their grand entrance to their reception.  i just love how it turned out.

 

and finally, my friend and her mom in a moment that represents more than i could ever put into words (although, i must confess—they recreated this moment b/c i wasn’t fast enough to catch them in a candid moment……..thanks for obliging me, friend!)

 

and now on to our vacation.

what can i say about this?  i just love volcanic mountains…..so majestic.

 

i like this one of our shadows.

 

and this one of my vacation feet…….keens are the best for hiking/camping vacations!

 

………and the grand finale………

 

the color of the water is indescribably gorgeous…words simply will not do.

 

and tomorrow, my huz and i are back in our preverbial saddles……..i’m already missing him.

vacation here i come! July 9, 2009

the huzster and i will be on vacation for the coming week or so……i won’t be posting while we’re away, but i promise to post pics upon our return!