this is my first post.  ever.  i once was a blogging virgin, but as of this moment i have been officially deflowered.

 

i once was a positive pregnancy test virgin.  and a miscarriage virgin.  and a shoot-myself-in-the-belly-with-lovenox virgin.

 

unfortunately, i’ve lost all these flowers, too.  three positive pregnancy tests (okay, who am i trying to kid–i’ve taken WAY more than three tests each pregnancy, but who’s counting?!  anyone who’s had one miscarriage understands the compulsive need to keep testing…even after the next miscarriage has been diagnosed.  what if those damn doctors don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?). 

 

anyway, where was i?  i’ve had three positive tests, two ultrasounds that showed no beating heart, one shot of lovenox (plus, the “test shot” of saline when they were teaching me how to give the shots).  my husband and i spent an entire day at the emergency room where they can’t do anything for early miscarriages, plus one full day running back and forth to the wal-mart pharmacy (those each might be in the running for hell on earth).  oh!  i took progesterone pills–even though the baby was already lost–just in case there was a chance of saving it.  i’ve talked to my babies, trying to convince them to resuscitate.  i’ve talked to my body, begging it to cooperate.  i’ve loved myself and hated myself through this entire ordeal…not to mention the myriad of feelings i’ve had toward my faithful huz.  and i did all this without my mom who was my medical-go-to-private-nurse-et-al, not to mention, my mom.

 

and guess what?  still no baby.  no success story here.

 

yet.

 

but i’m determined to stay on the hunt (okay, today i feel determined–read this blog if you are in need of some inspiration of your own hunt: www.remembermaddie.com.  little maddie’s smile can inspire anyone.).  please join me on this escapade…there’s so much more to experience and to tell.  i haven’t even mentioned acupuncture for fertility, mayan abdominal massages, vitamin e, raspberry leaf tea, kombucha, radical eating regimens, charting your cycle, frozen miscarried embryos, naturopathy, and the list goes on…

 

and by the way, even though i’ve lost all of those flowers, i’ve gained these:

baby-flowers

 

planted in memory of my little ones who would have been.

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