sometimes i feel angry and sad when i think about how many kids-who-are-not-my-own i’ve taken care of as a childcare provider.  the sheer number of diapers i’ve changed as a not-mom astounds me.  some days it seems impossible to believe that some one who has done all that work for–and given all that love to–other mothers, fathers and children cannot bear her own.


right now, my body is just not working the way it needs to in order to carry a baby.  how can that be?  i seem healthy.  strong.  active.  no doctor can really say why it’s not working for me.


all i know is that when you’ve changed as many diapers as i have or cleaned up as much kid puke as i have or endured as many terrible two’s temper tantrums as i have….you should at least be able to do all of those things for your own child one day.


or at least, that’s what a 30-something long-term nanny like myself used to think when i’d get annoyed doing someone else’s crap jobs around their house…oh well, one day i’ll be doing this for my own family one day. (hold back the enthusiasm, lilly!)


and then there are the precious moments with the smoochie, adorable chubby fingered little charmers that i’m presently missing out on.  today is one of those days where i really do feel the loss….the loss of not hearing our little blueberry cry out for soothing; the loss of not feeling their soft little head on my chest as they snooze; the loss of not having someone to call me mom.


what’s the silver lining? 


we’re still on the hunt.