i took a break from the fertility rat race in the last few months since my third miscarriage.  i decided to take a hiatus from pokes and prods, invasive examinations, and the medical world in general.  i tried to shift my focus to my nutrition, to give my body time to heal from all the physical and emotional stress of repeatedly miscarrying.


i guess in truth, i didn’t really stay away from pokes…i began doing acupuncture for fertility in january–now that’s a lot  of poking.  but i feel soothed and calmed and cared for afterward, unlike blood draws and vaginal exams.  acupuncture is a completely different experience from all the poking and peeing and invading of my body in the medical world.


on friday my naturopath ordered some blood tests to check my kidney and liver function.  okay, i thought, no big deal.  i trust her and feel much more validated by her than any previous doctor i’ve seen—and i’ve seen a lot of doctors, let me tell you.  with her i feel optimistic, so when she asked me to do some tests i didn’t really think too much of it.  i dutifully peed in the cup she gave me, handed it to her and went along my way.


i headed over to the lab and as soon as i saw the sign on their building, the memories started flooding.  hcg tests, karyotyping, progesterone checks, immune function blood work, and on and on…more hcg tests and more heartbreaking news.


my veins are difficult to locate.  i didn’t know i’d be doing the blood draw, so i hadn’t prepped my body by drinking a lot of water to try to help in the hunt for my veins  (i’m not sure how much that helps anyway).  this lack of prepping was especially problematic because the phlebotomist told me i’d need to give her a urine sample, too.  well, i’d just given a sample to my doctor…i’ve never had such high demand for my pee before…it’s all about supply and demand.  luckily, i managed to produce enough to satisfy the masses.  then it was time for the main event.


she used a butterfly needle (i’m told this is the smallest needle they have), but even still i felt it drag across a nerve into my vein.  it hurt.  left a bump and a bruise.  in that moment i remembered all those other draws…times filled with hope and dread and anticipation and pleading and disappointment.


even though this blood draw had nothing to do with hcg levels and pregnancy confirmations or miscarriages, the feelings were all there for me.  the memories remain with me, in my heart, in my veins, in my body.  reminding me of the little ones lost.  taunting me, daring me to hope again.