well, the big day is finally here…i always countdown to these “marker” days or holidays that are fraught with meaning and painful significance with a large degree of anxiety and dread.  usually i find that when the actual day arrives i’ve worked out much of my grieving along the way and the day-i’ve-been-absolutely-dreading isn’t nearly as rough as i’d feared.  mother’s day has just barely begun for me, but i’m going to put my money on that being the case today, as well.  see how upbeat and hopeful i can be sometimes?

 

naturally, in recent days my thoughts have been full of remembering my mom, wishing she wasn’t dead, longing to talk with her again, wishing i could keep life from changing so she’ll recognize me if she comes back…the usual, run-of-the-mill grieving kinds of thoughts for me. 

 

man, my mom could drive me absolutely crazy sometimes…as i became an adult, i began to see that i drove her crazy, too.  i often wish we could have one more argument.  you see, my mom and i could get all angry and frustrated and irritated with each other, but she was always my mom.  she always thought i was pretty (even when i was horribly overweight and didn’t believe her anyway), she always believed i was smart and funny and spoiled rotten and everything else….and she loved me.

 

in the days following her sudden death i felt such an immense amount of grief and loss…i remember saying to anyone who’d listen (and there weren’t many around—grieving has a way of scattering the masses) that my mom was the only person in my life whom i never had to meet.  i grew inside of her body, her heartbeat was the first sound i knew, her blood became mine…everyone else in my life i’ve had to meet, get to know, work at loving…not my mom.  and now she’s gone.

 

in the days leading up to her funeral, i was having a difficult time going to the family gatherings…i couldn’t stand the idea of people gathering and laughing and eating while my mom was dead and her body lay in a refrigerator.

 

one night i was trying my best to get to one of these dinners.  since my huz and i flew in from out of town, my dad offered for us to drive my mom’s car…it was both very difficult and so comforting to be in her car with her little white workout shoes in the back seat, just waiting for her next trip to curves…to see the remnants of her daily life as she was just going about the business of living…except that now she was dead.  so, we did it.  we got to my aunt’s house and i bravely walked through the door.  right about then i fell apart while hugging my brother and was promptly escorted back to the car.  i wasn’t ready to gather yet.

 

huz and i decided to just drive.  i think it was his idea to go somewhere my mom liked to go…we settled on getting custard…she loooovvveedd custard.  as we were driving away from my aunt’s house we turned up the volume on the radio.  we were listening to the cd’s my mom had chosen for her road trip a few weeks before…it was shuffling through 6 discs…i forwarded through a mariah carey song and then the most beautiful, stunningly timely song by celine dion came on…this song became the soundtrack of those early days, her funeral, burial, and the weeks and months that followed.  even still whenever my huz and i play it, we easily cry.  it was such a moving and comforting experience to hear this song in those moments when i was reeling from the grief…raw and in pain…

 

goodbye’s (the saddest word)

 

since her death, i’ve suffered three miscarriages and many other of life’s ups and downs…i need her.  i’m too young to be without my mom…

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