i work part-time as a nanny for a family with two older, mostly independent and mostly fun girls.  it’s low-key with a lot of great perks, especially the incredibly-low-stress part of the job.

 

i got there the other night, ready to hang out with the kiddos whilst the parents went out for a night on the town…it was movie night, so i wasn’t even going to have to play games or pretend to be excited about the jonas brothers.  just hang out and watch a movie.

 

but the thing is….the movie the kids chose (with the parent’s approval) was much more of an adult movie, than a kid’s movie.  i never in a million years anticipated that it would include a scene where the wife has a miscarriage.

 

gasp.

 

there i was lying on the couch, watching a movie with two girls and their neighbor-boy when all of a sudden i’m watching a woman weeping over the news she received at her ultrasound appointment.  all i could think to myself was that i’ve been there.

 

next came the scene where she and her husband are silently driving home, shell-shocked, traumatized, grief-stricken.  i’ve been there with my huz, too.  deadly silence.

 

last, but not least…she’s sitting on her couch in a daze, then weeping, then in a daze again.  i know moments like those, too.

 

one would imagine that if i could quickly locate and secure my fertility mask, i’d be just fine.  and i’m sure i would have been.

 

but then that stupid little neighbor-boy had to open his mouth…

boy: now she has something dead in her body.

me [remembering the occasions when i’ve had something dead in my body, too]: yes, sadly, she does.

girl [to me]: do you have a kid?

me [thinking i hate you both; shut up and watch the damn movie, but saying as gently as possible in that moment]: no, i don’t.

girl: are you going to?

me: [irrationally thinking, can’t you please stop intentionally trying to hurt me?  isn’t it bad enough you insisted on watching this f-ing movie in the first place?!  stop talking.] well, i don’t know.

 

they did in fact return to watching the movie after this.  as did i.  at least on the outside i appeared to be watching.  on the inside i was thinking about the sheer unexpected-ness of the moments, the innocent questions of children and my desire to squelch them.  make them stop asking questions that remind me of my pain.  loss.  unanswered questions.  young, aching places. 

 

i’m just saying, if you don’t have your mask in place, be careful what movies you watch and with whom.

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