yes, it happened.  i got my period.  we all knew it was coming–we even collectively hoped (and thank you for hoping with me against another m/c) i would see it this week (if you’re confused, click here).

 

and, so i have.  today, right on time like clock-work…and i’m not complaining about the clock-work part of my cycle…i know that this must not be taken for granted.  i wish it could be so for all of us.

 

though it is ultimately a “good thing” that i’m not pregnant this cycle, i do feel waves of sadness, as well as relief…given my progesterone levels last week i know it would have likely ended in another miscarriage…yet, somehow i remain part hopeful/part in denial when i believe that somehow against all odds maybe it could have survived. 

 

i don’t judge myself for my irrational, crazy-hopeful, sometimes obsessive thoughts, desires, and compulsions around ttc again.  it just is.  i’m not alone.  i’m midly whacky, but who cares?  crazy-ish people are a hell of a lot more fun–or at least that’s how i feel in this moment.

 

so, i will feel the sadness as it comes.  i will embrace the relief and the new opportunity we will have next month.  keep chugging my daily cache of supplements.  keep hoping.  keep wondering, anticipating, fearing, crying, contemplating and desiring.  i will keep living this good life i have and do whatever i can do to support my body’s healing…and we never know, maybe next month i won’t be seeing red.

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