i’m a rather superstitious person these days…maybe it comes from my mom.  whenever i’d say something halfway morbid (which happens a lot), she’d say, “oh, don’t say it!”  the message was loud and clear:

 

be careful what you say because whatever you say will make things happen.

 

and then i’ve added this twist to the superstitions of my mother so that i also fear whatever i don’t say might have huge earth shattering consequences…or if i don’t say something it might go beautifully….or, or, or…the list of irrational thoughts goes on and on.

 

so, naturally, i’m contemplating all kinds of bargains i can make with myself to guarantee a happy healthy outcome to this pregnancy, such as:

 

1.  i won’t tell anyone (okay, anyone other than those whom i’ve already told, which beside the blogosphere has been only two people…well, four really because there were those two people i kind of blurted it out to yesterday–one of whom i’d never met before, but i had to—she is a fellow fertility hunter…and—i just remembered—my acupuncturist…i told her, too, but she doesn’t really count because i had to tell her…and dr. naturo, too. )…so, where was i?  yes, i won’t tell anyone else because that will mean i won’t miscarry.

 

2. i won’t say anything about how sometimes i feel afraid of miscarrying a fourth time.

 

3. i won’t talk about pregnancy, miscarrying or about how much i’d love to hold this little one in my arms one day…say, like 35 weeks from now.

 

but i know that no matter the bargains, no matter how much healthy food i consume, no matter how often i visualize myself with a baby belly or a baby in my arms….for the most part, all of this is out of my control…i can only do the few things i can do (and i get that they are important pieces of my fertility puzzle), but there is no guaranteed outcome.

 

the only thing that is for sure is that there will be an outcome…and one way or another we will someday near or far know the answer to that huge looming question that taunts me in the wee hours of the morning…will this pregnancy go to full term?

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