my ultrasound appt was yesterday morning…very early.  i couldn’t sleep past 4:45a.  i was anxious and scared and feeling very young.

 

the medical imaging clinic dr. naturo referred me to did not allow partners to go into the exam rooms until the end.  when they told me this on the phone, i thought i was fine with that.  until i put the gown on and got up on the table, that is.  then the panic set in. 

 

i felt alone and naked.  on top of this, i was sure my bladder was going to burst any minute.  i’ve never heard of them using the stomach ultrasound tool (i have no idea what the heck to call it) for a pregnancy that’s 6 weeks along.  each time she pressed on my bladder i thought i would pee on the table.  luckily, i was able to use the restroom before the transvaginal u/s.

 

the tech should become a professional poker player…her poker face kept me on pins and needles for 50 mins while she poked and prodded.  i literally had no idea what she was seeing or not seeing.  this not-knowing was really beginning to take its toll on me…at one point i sighed heavily while tears were streaming down the sides of my face and she asked me if i was okay.  i said, “i’m just anxious to hear the results.”  “oh, the doctor will tell you.”

 

what?

 

in my previous two experiences with ultrasounds, the doctor is brought in to deliver the bad news (and even in those two cases, the tech told me what she was not seeing as she was not seeing it).  well, then the tears really started to flow.  i was in a panic and feeling desperate to get off that table to find my huzzy.  i was mentally planning the phone calls i needed to make to rearrange the rest of my day…i was envisioning myself holed up in my room for the coming week.

 

i was in a panic.

 

then she called the dr to come in.  oh my.

 

he said, “well, you’re obiously pregnant.  what are we looking at here?  6 weeks?”

 

tech replied, “yep, 6w2d.”

 

and then the dr started giving her instructions on showing him my ovaries and such, making her sound like a total idiot and i felt bad for her while simultaneously trying to make sense of whether he’d just delivered good news or bad news to me.  he was so matter of fact.  so dry.  so not excited.

 

just before he turned to walk out he said, “well, everything looks good so far.  congratulations.”

 

i was thinking, “really?  well, how come you’re not showing me anything?”  so i asked the tech if she would let me see (can you believe i had to ask if i could see?!).  the dr heard and gave his approval for her to show me.

 

and that was when i saw our little baby, right inside of me with a tiny little dash of a heartbeat.  i’ve never seen anything like it inside of me.  i’ve never been able to see the baby or a fetal pole or anything…it’s always been darkness.

 

but yesterday there was light.  a tiny little spark of life with the most beautiful little heartbeat. 

 

and while we all know anything can happen…….i am in awe and am thrilled to announce a first for me: yesterday i saw a baby and a heartbeat!!

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