i’ve been quiet lately…mainly because i’ve been out of town for the past two weeks and blogging hasn’t been high on my priority list, nor have i had much time to slow down and reflect.

 

but i’ve also been quiet because i haven’t wanted to blog.  i haven’t wanted to slow down and feeeeeeeeel.  i’ve been on autopilot, rushing through my feelings and trying to keep a step or two ahead of the weight of anxiety that threatens to crush me, especially at night.

 

on tuesday i’ll be ten weeks.  i haven’t gotten this far before, but i’m also painfully aware of the possibility of a missed miscarriage…i know of women who’ve not known for weeks that their babies stopped growing and so, naturally, i fear this for myself in this pregnancy.

 

we meet with our midwife on wednesday evening for the first time.  i’m looking forward to it and i’m scared.  i vascillate between thoughts consumed with the question of what if there’s no heartbeat and a total confidence that we’ll hear a beautifully beating heart with no trouble at all.  i feel like a monkey on a ropes course, swinging back and forth and all around.

 

i’m worn out.  how do those monkeys do it?!

 

today marks our 6 year wedding anniversary.  we drove to the beach for fish and chips, walked along the water a bit and headed home….nothing too big, since we just returned from our vacation, but just a little something to take a moment to remember………remember where we’ve been and where we’re headed.  as with all couples who’ve been together for a while, we’ve been through a lot.

 

and i’m thankful that for the most part, on most days, we’d rather go through it with each other than with anyone else.

 

so we will be together on wednesday when for better or worse we will find out what’s happening so far with this pregnancy…and i wouldn’t want it any other way.

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