…and it was a scary one.  a really scary one.

 

and for the last 6 days or so i’ve been trying desperately to forget it.  but guess what?  i have a memory like an elephant.  i remember everything.  except these days a lot of important details do fall through the cracks since i’m all “baby!baby!baby!” in my brain.  i suppose since this particular bad dream had to do with our baby, it’s extra cemented in there.

 

so, i dreamt we were at our next ultrasound appt (which i’ve been aching to get to…i’m going bonkers waiting for another look at this little one).  at the appointment, the tech put the thingy on my tummy and pretty immediately knew that something was wrong.  the tech said, “see the heart there?  it popped out of the sac.  your baby’s dead.”

 

oh no!!  the heart popped out of the sac!!  please stay in there little heart. 

 

(let me say, i’ve never actually heard of this happening in reality, but it was so very real in my dream.)

 

and ever since i’ve been fearful…fearful of everything baby related.  i’m desperate to hear the heartbeat again next weds…is it the 21st yet?!

 

this in-between-pregnant-but-not-showing-can’t-feel-the-baby-moving-yet era of my pregnancy is rough for me.  there’s not much i can reassure myself with, especially since i’m not barfy or nauseous much at all these days…so in my desperate-ness i made a list of my symptoms:

1. my chest is definitely not shrinking….not at all.

2. i’m not bleeding.

3. i’m not cramping.

4. my back is not suddenly aching with labor pains (it is tight however in my lower back, but that’s always been true about me–at least for the last 6 years or so).

5. the lump of chub above my belly button is becoming slightly less pronounced–i can only deduce this must be due to an imperceptible increase in my baby bulge below said lump.

6. i suffer from heartburn daily.

7. and, finally, i’m hungry beyond belief.  all the time.

 

so this tiny little list that barely counts toward pregnancy symptoms keeps me semi-sane….and i use the word “semi” very loosely.

 

so, here i am.  hanging in there and trying to pretend i’m one of those women who has nothing to worry about because pregnancy just naturally results in a healthy baby.  (i so wish that was true for all of us.)

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