the huz and i are starting to get pumped up for our upcoming trip to maui–plans we made before i became pregnant again, and i’m SO glad we did!  well, most of the time i’m glad…

 

however, today i’ve been a bit more focused on the down side:

 

the in-laws will be joining us (kind of–we will each have our own rental cars and will spend a lot of time as individual couples and not together, but still…).  i’m not known for being the most gracious daughter-in-law (among other things), nor are they the greatest in-laws in my opinion.  but over the years, we’ve managed to forge some semblance of a relationship even if it’s not what i’d always hoped for.  still, it’s a challenge to be with them.

 

another down-side…i tried on my warm weather clothes, most of which are pre-pregnancy.  oh my.  i don’t even know what to say.  i have a pitiful assortment of mismatched clothing to choose from, none of which includes even a single pair of shorts or capris at this point.  i have two skirts, though, so that’s a definite plusexcept for the thigh rubbage issue...ouch!  it seems my body thinks my butt and thighs are pregnant, too.  i always wanted to be one of those lucky pregnant women who look so cute and adorable and only pregnant from the front.  this is not the case for me and i never really thought it would be.

 

another major bummer: i’m learning that the only thing worse than a fat stomach is a fat stomach that being pushed out by a baby bump.  this means i have a lovely two-bump thing going on in my mid-section…one above my belly button and one below.  i’m embarrassed, mainly because i’ve always been ashamed of my mid-section and now that the fat is way protruding, the shame is even more pronounced in me. 

 

i know, i know….how dare i even complain?  i ask myself this very question every time i get down on myself for not more carefully monitoring my weight in the months after my miscarriages….of course i was putting on some extra poundage–the hormone fluctuations alone were enough to pack on the pounds, not to mention the grief and frustration and everything else i was attempting to soothe with tasty treats.

 

i know all of this; i know i’m fortunate to even have a 22.5 wk old baby bump pushing out my tummy fat; i know it could be worse and that if this is the extent of my problems, i’m doing pretty damn well.

 

but i’m still vain.  i still worry about the potentially thoughtless comments my mother-in-law may make about my pudgy middle and how that will hurt.  i worry about not being able to lose the weight after the baby comes.  i worry about never feeling beautiful again.  i worry, worry, worry…and preparing to go to a lovely, warm, bikini-clad-beach location enhances my insecurities.

 

but don’t think for one minute that i’m even considering not going or that i’m wishing away this trip or this pregnancy—oh no!  i’m in it for the long haul…and i’m going to get through all of the feelings i’m having along the way.  it’s just that some days are more difficult in my emotional world than others……….and this is one of those days when i’m struggling along with my old friends, insecurity and self-torment.

 

i’ll get through, i always do.  and in the meantime, maybe i’ll get one of those bell.a ba.nds in an attempt to smooth out the belly bump!  have any advice on transforming two bumps into one?

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