on this day one year ago, the huz and i went to see a movie…seven.pounds.  just before we went into the theater, but after we bought our tickets, of course, i started to bleed.  so there i was at the movie theater, bleeding from m/c #3 had commenced and i was determined to be a normal person…i was going to see a movie with my huz no matter what. 

what’s a girl to do in this case?

run from movie theater to the store, of course, to obtain two necessary items:

pads

and

pad-fitting undies

with these in hand, i ran into the bathroom to get myself comfortably situated…then headed back over to the theater to join my huzzy.  i watched the movie like said “normal” person, went home and felt defeated, hopeless, horrible and anything other than “normal” or “person”.

last night on the way home from our new year’s celebration we were remembering this time last year.  we both agreed that the worst part of m/c #3 wasn’t the actual bleeding or not being pregnant, which felt so incredibly painful with m/c’s 1 and 2…..no, this time the worst of the pain, grief and anger centered around our fears that we might never be able to carry a baby to term.  after all, with the 3rd conception we didn’t even make it to our typical landmark of week 7 before bleeding.  what did this mean for us?  for our futures?

turns out, so far it meant a six month hiatus to ttc.  it meant a ferocious endeavor on my part to assist my body in the healing process….three failed pregnancies in 9 mos is just plain too much for one’s body and heart.  i needed–we needed–time to rest and heal a bit.  it was a much-needed and very nice break.  after those six months passed, it turns out i decided to start acupuncture for fertility and began to see dr. naturo for fertility blood work. 

it also turns out we conceived a fourth time and here we are today….27wks 4d pregnant with a little girl baby bear.  all the way back on new year’s day of 2009, though, we didn’t know all this.  we didn’t know where we were headed or what the outcome would be or if our hearts could take another loss.  we didn’t know that acupuncture would be so healing for my body and we didn’t know that working with dr. naturo would give me the sense of support that i needed…support that the medical community doesn’t offer, in our experience.

that’s the thing about pain and loss and grief and infertility and life in general….there’s no way of knowing where it will all lead to…if it leads to anywhere at all.

we don’t take for granted one moment of this experience—or at least we try not to….and it’s pretty amazing to find ourselves on the dawn of 2010 entering into the third trimester of this pregnancy.

we are more than grateful.

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