four years ago today, i was just over halfway through my grad program.  just the day before i’d been planning my internship, sorting through the options, getting really excited about the future. 

four years ago today, my huz was in california for one month on business….he’d been gone for ten-ish days or so by now.  and i’d gone to see him once already, with plans to see him in cali every weekend he would be away—a real luxury for us, actually!

four years ago today, i’d stayed up way too late the night before finishing a paper, so i’d planned to sleep in as long as possible and give myself a rest before heading off to class much later in the day.  but since my huz was away, i made sure to sleep with my phone nearby on vibrate…just in case he happened to call before his work day began.

four years ago today, i wasn’t the least bit surprised when my phone started to vibrate at just past 6a.  my huz was calling to say good morning!  except it wasn’t my huz.

four years ago today, my dad called at 6:01a to tell me that my mom died.  just died.  gone.  no warning.

four years ago today, my king size bed never felt more empty with me in it…my heart never squeezed so hard.  i wailed and wailed.  i called my huz and wailed.  i called my friend and wailed.  and wailed and wailed.  how could she be dead.

four years ago today, i stumbled out into my living room to witness one of the most beautiful sunrises ever…which was especially sacredly ironic as i live in an area where we don’t expect to see the sun in february at all…much less a beautiful sunrise over the snowy mountains.  and i wailed.

four years ago today, my life took an unexpected and excruciating turn that has affected every day…every experience…since.

four years later, i still cry nearly every day to one extent or another.  not b/c my mom was perfect…she wasn’t.  not b/c our relationship was always wonderful and un-complicated…it wasn’t.  mainly, i cry b/c i just miss her.  i miss fighting with her.  i miss laughing with her.  i miss the way she always thought i was everything good…even if she was often in denial about all my complications…our complications.  i miss the way she cared about whether i’d made it somewhere safely when traveling.  i miss the way she drove me crazy by asking a million questions about things i didn’t always want to talk about.  i miss the way she’d talk to me on the phone even when i was vacuuming.  i just miss her.

i cry b/c she’ll never hold my baby.  i cry b/c i’m becoming a mother and i don’t have one with me anymore.  i cry b/c no one is as excited and into and willing to listen to every minute detail about this pregnancy as she would have been.  i cry b/c we’ll never hug again.  never have a pedicure together again.  never eat a meal together again.  never share a laugh together again. never argue with each other again.

never.

never.

never.

never is a very long time.

today i will remember my mom with a pedicure, lunch with friends, a visit with my sweet and precious maddie, and dinner with my huz.  today i will live with the confusion of grief and excitement…death and life…converging…today i will tend to myself, to our baby, to life, while i tend to my grief, anxiety, pain, as well.

four years ago today…

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