this is going to be a post of assorted tidbits from my life these days…maybe a bit random, but hopefully worth the read.

first, if you are pregnant and you’d like to practice your birthing technique of choice (for me it’s hypnobirthing), i suggest you try having your eye brows threaded rather than waxed.  oh my.  wow.  i went today for my first brow threading since i’m trying to get things tidied up before this baby comes (only to fall behind again on all the upkeep, i’m sure!) and  i must say, waxing might not be as en vogue, but i do prefer having the pain over with more quickly.  wow.  it was intense and i was trying my best to stay relaxed and calm, visualizing myself going limp and loose, but it was a challenge for sure!  have you ever tried the brow threading?  what do you think?!

it does feel good to have my furry brows under control again, though…and that makes the pain worth it i suppose.

when i got home i decided to call my grandma (my mom’s mom).  she’s 95 and a crack up.  ever since she moved into an assisted living home right around christmastime, she’s spunky in a way i haven’t previously known her to be.  anyway, she was asking me how i was doing…how many more days…etc.  then i told her that my dad will be sure to call her when the baby comes and she said,

 “now, lilly, just so you know, i have all these grandchildren and great-grandchildren and i don’t send them presents.  so i don’t want you to be disappointed.  i haven’t sent all the other kids presents when they were born, so i can’t start with yours.”

oh my gosh, i laughed so hard.  and that got her laughing too.  so there we were, 95 year old and 33 year old, laughing together and it was a moment of pure joy.  she was just so her in that moment and i wasn’t expecting her to just say it outright like that.  of course, i knew all along that there would be no gift from her, so that part was no surprise (i am one of her many grandchildren, after all)…i’m just not used to her actually acknowledging it!  she’s a funny lady, even if she can be a bit crotchety too. 

talking to her always makes me long to talk to my mom…she says some of the same expressions my mom always said when used to talk on the phone….like after i’d fill my mom in on a whole bunch of my happenings and then she’s say, “well, what else is going on?  anything?”  i remember one time responding to my mom, “geez, mom…i just told you about a ton of things that are going on…isn’t that enough?!”  and we laughed.  i miss her.  i miss her more and more as this baby’s birthing day draws closer.  i wish my huz (not just me) would have her extra support, too, when i’m laboring.  but, alas, that’s not what is to be, though that doesn’t keep me from wishing.

today i’m 37 weeks…technically full term.  a day i never knew i’d reach way back when getting to the 8 week mark with a viable pregnancy felt nearly impossible.  and here we are.  certainly, life continues to be uncertain….as it is for all of us, but i must say——-we are pretty damn excited to have made it this far! 

and with the excitement comes the sadness and loss…i’m engaged in many endings and this is naturally sad.  i’m winding down with my nanny family and trying to plan a last day together that will be meaningful and memorable.  the older child (11 yo) is especially aware of my impending absence.  she reminds me each time i see her how many days until our last day, how many days until our baby’s due date…she asks me repeatedly if i would please email her when the baby is born, which of course i will.  i assure her that i’m going to stay in touch and that i want her to know this baby…she reminds me so much of myself in certain meaningful relationships…tenderly attached, yet so afraid of losing our connection. 

then there are the last lunch dates with “just the girls”, last weekends spent lazing around watching with our friend for hours and hours…last dates with the huz…last moments of spontaneously jumping in the car and running off to get something or do something or see someone.

now, i know that eventually we will be spontaneous, we will still have our friendships, we will have lazy-ish days…but in a new way.  and i know that feeling these losses, talking about the changes with friends and our mutual sadness over those changes, are such a part of what will continue to make me the kind of mom, friend and woman i long to be……..tender, aware, alive, authentic…and so i keep moving forward, feeling my feelings along the way.

and on top of all these things?  we are just plain excited with anticipation!  it’s like the longest night before christmas ever!!