i’m just loving this new role of mothering our little bear…she’s soft and warm and lovely.  easy to soothe.  easy to love.  and so tenderly vulnerable and trusting.  sometimes i’m overwhelmed to look at her and see her vulnerable little body, so trusting, so full of need, so open to receiving our love.

and as much as i’m deeply in love with this little baby, i also at times feel anxious, crabby, craving sleep, agitated and personally, quite difficult to soothe.

today i found myself pondering how it is that i can possibly mother our little baby when the little baby inside of myself–the young, vulnerable, needy places within me–needs such tender mothering…this seems so connected to the intense grief i feel around the reality of my mom’s death.  i so long for her to mother me as i mother my own child.

thankfully, as my huz returned to working half days this week, i have a friend coming down to spend the days with us…mothering us, as it were…cooking meals for eating and freezing…folding laundry and holding our lil’ bear while we try to sleep.

i am truly grateful for friends who will stand in the space that’s so achingly void of my own mother’s physical presence.

and i miss her so.

i desperately wish i could see her face as she looks at our baby for the first time.

i wish she could have been there to see our birth…she would have been truly amazed.  i know it.  and so proud of me.

i wish.i wish.i wish.i wish.

mostly, now i find myself wishing and hoping that when our baby girl is bigger she will tell us tales of visits from her grandma…i am quite sure they have already met…in that mysterious, other worldly place and i can’t wait until she has the words to tell us all about it.

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