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holy moly.

our lil’ bear is already three months old.  three months since that glorious day!  and while i don’t pine away for the first 6 weeks after she was born, i do pine away for our labor and birth experience.  so amazing.

and already three months ago…!

where does the time go?

i guess it goes into learning to roll over, smiling and then having a first giggle, finding hands to suck on and trying so hard to reach out for mama’s face without luck so far…yes, these are busy days for the bear family.

she is so fun…and funny, too.

in other developmental news, we approached an earlier bedtime…we started at 3:30a when she was born and slowly moved up to 11:30p.  we stayed there for a long while and finally moved up to 7:30p, which frankly i thought was fabulous…but it gets even better!  now, cross our fingers, we’ve settled on 6:15-6:30-ish and i think we’ll be here for a while until it likely gets a bit later again…maybe 7ish.

those evenings are a dream!

although, the minute i started to get used to this new routine, we had a rough night (last night)…a bit of trouble settling down and some gas pains in the night–ouch!

now i’m counting down to the end of the 3a feed…which i will very likely miss when the time comes.  such is life…a bundle of ambivalence.

i want her to grow and i want her to stay tiny forever.

                                               happy 3 months, lil’ bear!

i’ve been working on my resume and job-hunting a bit this week, as i contemplate my new role as mother and career woman (or so i am hoping).

in perusing my files i came across a short essay i wrote for a vocational and occupational class i took in 2008 as part of my graduate education.  it was to be my statement of intent—a declaration of my career goals and pursuits.  i wrote it just one week after the first day of my very first miscarriage, when i found it difficult to declare even what i’d wear that day, much less what i was going to do with my life.  my graduation was just a few months away and i didn’t care anymore…it reads as follows:

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A mere eight weeks ago, my statement of intent may have read: when I graduate I plan to celebrate in a big way—months of celebration, culminating in a two week exotic vacation with my husband who consistently believes in my ability as a therapist even when I do not.  Along with celebrating, I also intend to begin the process of setting up my private practice by securing office space and designing my webpage.  I also intend to pursue possible agency work to gain experience and hours in a clinical setting.  I set goals for myself including securing fifteen clients by December 2008 and creating an office space that reflects warmth, tenderness and safety.  I felt like I would burst into the sky like a rocket ship from anticipation at the thought of embarking on fulfilling these goals and dreams.

Just four weeks ago, my statement of intent completely shifted when I discovered I was pregnant.  Fear and delight gripped me at the thought of rearranging my timeline, my vision of what life would look like in the coming months as I would need to make an enormous amount of space in my life for a tiny little bundle.  I had not previously known how deeply I desired to mother.  Then, my intention was to put my professional aspirations temporarily on hold, perhaps facilitating a group one night per week until I felt freer to pursue my goals.  I envisioned pushing back my “fifteen client” goal about two years from now.  I was beginning to wrap my mind around the possibility of being a mom and a therapist as a new “timeline” began to take shape in me.

In the wake of my miscarriage, I no longer have a clue what in the world I will be doing (or even feeling like doing) tomorrow, much less in three months.  At this moment in time the idea of making a declaration of my intentions, professing my hopes and dreams, feels unbearable.  I feel enraged.  I feel scared.  As it turns out, I was on the rocket ship Challenger, which exploded in mid-air.  In the wake of trauma and death, I am again so painfully aware of the fragility of life.  Making declarations such as these requires a level of bold courage and hope that I am currently not able to locate within myself.  However, I believe that tiny little pockets of hope are hidden among the ashes.  I will wait for them to bubble to the surface and I will honor my desire by continuing to hope for a future as a therapist and a mother, whatever shape that will take.  When I graduate, I intend to remain close to my heart, give myself as much space as possible to grieve and heal, and retain the tenderness and passion I have come to love about myself as a therapist.  Beyond that, I am unable to say at this point.  I will keep you posted.

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may i say, i am SO relieved to be past those early, early days.  i do not know how i got through them…i do know that i felt clueless as to where i was headed or why.

and while the memories of my much desired pregnancies remain ever with me, i feel so different today.  i feel content in a new way that i’ve not previously known.  i feel inspired to pursue my career goals more freely and more fully than i have up to this point.  i feel empowered.

and i still don’t have a clue where i’m headed…but i know where i’ve been and i believe and trust that my biggest asset today is my ability to find my way through those painful, horrific seasons with some sort of dignity. 

what i know now that i didn’t know then is that i’d one day have a lil’ bear whose smile melts my heart to no end.

and she’s exactly 12 weeks old today!

i.am.so.grateful.

i’ve felt torn over whether to post pics of our little bear on here.  but she’s just so adorable, how can i keep her to myself any longer?

here are a few of my favorites…

our bear in her special little hat from guatemala…a gift

 

 

i just love this pic…her binky face is just the sweetest

 

oh to be this peaceful…such sweetness…

to learn how to soothe a fussy baby by triggering their calming reflex, watch the happiest baby on the block with harvey karp, md.  amazing….and it works!

..they are just too sweet and velvety-soft for words…

i just simply had to show you…

notice the crease on the underside of her big toe…..oh how i love to kiss that little line…..

you can’t imagine how soft her little feet are.  you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

i keep trying to write her birth story…i relive it all the time in my mind…and bask in the glow of all that goodness and wonder.  i try to talk about it and i do talk about it constantly, but still it’s lacking.

putting everything i’m feeling and our birth experience into words is impossible right now.  i’m so high on love and sweet newborn breath that i can’t find words for it all.  i don’t want to find words…words can be so limiting and this life altering experience is full of unimaginable, deep, deep love and fullness…it’s also full of grieving and tears and missing.

so.so.so.full.

one day i may write a post including the details, but for now, suffice it to say~

~experiencing my body and my baby working together to bring her into this world was simply…otherworldly (hypnobirthing all the way).

~i am amazed and in awe of all that my body continues to do for our baby and for me…providing hormones to give us the ultimate bonding experience, making milk to nourish her tiny little body…i feel humbled by this body’s abilities and so sorry for all the years i’ve spent hating it.  forgive me body.  i want to carry this gratitude with me for the rest of my life…

~i am more in love with my huz than ever…i’m sure the hormones have a hand in this as well…we just look at each other in awe.  today when i went back into our baby bear den after having a shower (our bedroom has been converted into baby central, which is where we spend all of our time…cozy, warm, private), i found my huz rocking our little one whom he’d dressed in this fluffy little white bear outfit while i was away…singing to her along with the beat.tles…i melted.  and started taking pictures!

there’s so much more, but this is all i can put down for now…this little one brings me unspeakable pleasure and contentment…and lots of diapers and everything else.

she’s magical and i’m head over heels in love.