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thanks to all who responded to my plea for help in making this decision.

 

 thankyouthankyouthankyou.

 

i took it all in and, of course, over-thought it…(i totally resonated with your comments, kate and jeanine.)

 

and i’m nervous to announce that—for better or worse—i have made my decision.

 

i realized that while initially it was helpful not to be poked and prodded, it is currently driving me crazy to not know whether this pregnancy is viable.  i need to know.  i really resonated with many of your comments re: this and especially when MEG.said she wouldn’t want to be surprised by a miscarriage on a vacation…that clicked with me.  (by the way, do you mind that i always type your name as “MEG.”?  i like it, but wondered the other day if you find it annoying…if so, i’ll stop…just say the word.)

 

so……………..i called dr. naturo on monday morning and told her i was ready for the referrals for an ultrasound.  by monday evening, i’d made the appointment.  then i read gabby’s comment about “trying on” a decision to see how it feels…and while i’d already actually gone ahead with my decision to make the appointment, it was really helpful for me to pause for a moment to check in with myself on how i’m feeling.

 

and i’m feeling anxious.  which is why i’m up in the middle of the night right now. 

 

i’ve never had a positive outcome to an ultrasound.  maybe this week will be a first.  maybe not.

 

but i’m as ready as i’ll ever be to find out what’s happening…at least, what’s happening at this point…sadly, many of us know that things can change…even after an ultrasound.

 

once again, thank you all for your kind wishes and support.  putting it out there and hearing from you really helped me get connected with what i want and need right now.

 

thank you.

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well, the days are creeping and crawling and certainly not flying by for me lately.  i’m spending a lot of time contemplating how i want to handle the next step: ultrasound.

 

originally dr. naturo and i agreed that i wouldn’t do the initial blood work, but i would have an ultrasound at 7 weeks to see how this pregnancy is progressing.  but since that conversation, i’ve gone back and forth about whether or not i want to actually have the ultrasound as planned.

 

the thing is…

 

if the news is bad, i don’t want to go thru another round of waiting to miscarry.  i’ve been thru that twice already (my first m/c was a complete shock) and it is not fun.

 

additionally, the 7 week mark falls just before i leave on a two week trip to see family and friends across the country.  i do not want to spend a week or more of my vacation waiting to miscarry and carrying the weight of grief on my shoulders…at all, but certainly not while i’m mingling with friends and family.

 

on the flip side, waiting until we return (my huz will join me part way thru the two weeks) for the ultrasound feels like an eternity.  not to mention, the prometrium is causing me to blow up like a blowfish and let me tell you, i am not looking forward to seeing people looking like i do….and i really don’t want to continue inflating if it’s all for nothing.  i will gladly deal with pregnancy weight shame, but packing on more weight if the pregnancy isn’t viable is not my idea of a good time.  but i suppose either way the damage is done in terms of my upcoming trip…it’s not like i’d be able to do anything about the current bodily inflation either way in that short of an amount of time.

 

all of this going on about this and that is because i’m scared.  i don’t know which way to turn and whatever choice i make holds the possibility for joy and devestation…there is no safe route.  my huz tries to listen and discuss the options with me, but in the end he says that i’m really the only one who can make this decision…i agree with him and disagree at the same time.

 

aaaaaahhhhhhh!!  i’m driving myself crazy.  one minute i think i’m ready to find out what’s happening inside of me and the next i’m paralyzed and absoluely NOT ready.

 

so i ask you….what would you do if you were faced with these two choices:

1.  schedule ultrasound in week 7 (the week of august 10th), knowing that whatever the result you are leaving for a 2 wk vacation on august 14th.

2.  keep hanging in there until you return from your vacation and schedule an ultrasound in week 10.

 

i need my mom…please help!

…poked, that is.

 

i’ve decided not to do the usual preliminary blood work this time around…how did i come to this decision, you ask?

 

well, if you’ve been reading this blog for long you know that i’ve suffered three previous miscarriages.  if you’ve just tuned in, you can read more about my first miscarriage here.  my first miscarriage took me/us by surprise…more or less woke up bleeding one morning.  that experience set the ball rolling for blood tests and pokes and prods in my subsequent pregnancies/miscarriages.

 

i decided a couple of months ago that if i became pregnant again i didn’t want to go through the stress and headaches of rushing around to blood labs, not to mention the anxiety i feel having my arms poked—all in all, blood draws cause me stress. 

 

on top of this, for my second pregnancy the blood draws showed everything was progressing beautifully—my progesterone was at 28!—and, alas, when i was 6w2d the ultrasound showed the pregnancy was not viable.  all of that poking and the false security it provided turned me off….and pissed me off, too!

 

so, this time around i’ve decided to go about things the old fashioned way….to a point.  i won’t be having my blood work drawn—unless the high dose of progesterone suppositories i’m taking begin to make me feel too uncomfortable with symptoms.  in that case, i’m open to testing my progesterone level to see if i can back off a bit on the prometrium dosage.  otherwise, i’m going to try to hang in there until my seventh week.  dr. naturo told me that she’d order an ultrasound at that point if things seem to be progressing (ie i am still experiencing symptoms) and then we will be able to check for fetal tone at that point.

 

naturally, i’m even afraid to do an ultrasound…the last two times i’ve had an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat there hasn’t been one.  but i think if i haven’t miscarried by then (i know that sounds morbid, but after three i guess i’ve sadly come to expect it while still hoping against hope for the best) i will want to know if there’s a heartbeat.

 

the timing is a little bit rough, as that same week i’ll be flying out for two weeks with friends and family…….but i’m not going to think about all the what-if-there’s-no-heartbeat scenarios right now….or at least i’m not going to write about my thoughts about those scenarios right now!

 

so, here’s the breakdown in terms of my supplements and our plan moving forward:

 

daily–2000 iu vitamin d; 400 iu natural vitamin e; thorne prenatal vitamin; high dose of methylated folic acid; high dose vitamin b6; 200 mg prometrium suppository (morning and evening); begin weaning myself off of the pregnenalone i’ve been taking.

 

if this pregnancy is viable through the first trimester, i will also wean myself off of the methylated folic acid and b6.  i will continue to monitor my side effects/symptoms of the prometrium and if i become too uncomfortable will possibly go down to a lower dose if blood work showed a high enough level of progesterone in my blood.

 

i will check back with dr. naturo in two weeks…if things “seem” to be progressing (i.e. if i haven’t miscarried) we will schedule an ultrasound for the week of august 10th, which will be my 7th week if all goes well, to check for fetal tone.

 

in the meantime, i will continue working with my acupuncturist every two weeks or more, as needed.  my next appt is friday (note to self: remember camera!).

 

suffice it to say, i have to tell myself about a million times a day that i need to take it one day at a time.  that’s all i can do.  one foot in front of the other.  deep cleansing breaths.  supplements, healthy food (for the most part!), happy thoughts and lots of mario cart

 

the rest is out of my hands.

anyone who’s on this fertility hunt knows it’s one heck of a rollercoaster ride.  i hate rollercoasters.  i get motion sickness and crabby and tired and irritated just thinking about going to an amusement park.  yuck.

 

the good (or is it bad?) news is that to ride the fertility rollercoaster you don’t even need to leave your own home….but sometimes you may wish to leave your own skin….to be free from the ups and downs and loop-de-loops.

 

yes, you guessed it.  i’m back on the ride.  i must say i much enjoyed my six month hiatus…not ttc, fretting if we conceived, fretting that we’d miscarry, finding out we’d m/c’d, waiting to start bleeding, and waiting for my body to heal only to go through it once more…no, i did not miss any of that.

 

but here we are again.  back on the ride.  braving the loop-de-loops and all.  looks like there’s no baby this month and while i should be jumping up and down excited (what with the current poor prognosis and all), i must say i’m saddened.  naturally, i want to have the best possible environment for a baby to grow in, but i want it NOW!  i know y’all can relate.

 

so, i keep taking my supplements and hope my body uses this time to get more and more strengthened…and one day i hope i’m one of those lucky fertility hunters who gets to write a happy post about how i’m pregnant and all is well.  now, that’s the kind of ride i think i’d really like!

dr. naturo is great.  she’s smart, thorough and kind.  she doesn’t get mad when her patients go against her recommendations…like when she tells them to wait longer before trying again.  instead of getting mad, she says things like:

 

“this has been a very fertile month for many of my patients.  maybe it will prove to be so for you as well.”

“sometimes our bodies know better than our doctors.”

“don’t feel ashamed.  if you’re pregnant, we’ll figure it out and do whatever we can to make it work.”

 

have you ever heard of a doc who encourages her patient to trust the body’s intuition?

 

i haven’t before now…it sure makes going to the doctor a much more relaxing and enjoyable experience.  although she did give me a vitamin injection….wow.  that was really something, but more about that later…for now, i’m just grateful she is willing to support and work with me—even when i go against doctor’s orders!