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i’m a teensy bit behind in the posting department.  lately, i’ve felt a bit like my brain is a strainer with a billion little holes for important information to slip through into no-mans-land, lost forever.  until i remember them again, that is.  i don’t like being foggy headed or forgetful or unreliable or any of those things that come with—according to my midwives—my doubling blood volume……it seems sometime around the last week or so my volume doubled and it takes a while for my red blood cell count and iron levels to catch up.  this causes foggy brains and forgetfulness, among other things.

so here i am, foggy brain and all, catching you up on what i’ve been up to in my neck of the woods….

first, what i’m most excited about———i just passed 30 weeks.  incredible.  hard to believe.  a little frightening, as in less than one week i will be in the single digits in terms of weeks until delivery (unless i go past 40 wks, that is).  i’m not scared of the delivery (at this point, anyway), but it’s more the after-delivery part that worries me sometimes.  you see, while i have TONS and TONS of childcare experience, i’m most well-versed in the 6 mos and up age range.  newbies are not where my experience lies.  and i’m nervous.  but we’ll manage, i know.

next most exciting thing i’ve been up to———-just began prenatal yoga classes!  this was a christmas gift from my huz and i’m loving it so far. i  just attended my first class last saturday and have been counting down the days till my next class ever since.  loved it.  lovelovelove-d it.  so relaxing.  and soothing.  yet, requiring strength from me…i couldn’t stop smiling when our little baby bear would leap and jump around while i was stretching and moving.  maybe she liked it too.  i also couldn’t stop myself from chuckling when i deeply inhaled and a stitch on my pre-preg yoga pants busted.  and then when another one busted after that.  i guess they were even tighter than i thought.  hard to believe they used to slide off of me.

another excitement—————–we painted our little bear’s room this past weekend.  ever since my fertility hunt began i’d fantasize about pink and brown for a girl’s room.  this is what i always thought i’d want if we ever had a girl-baby.  funny how sometimes things change when it’s actually happening.  we didn’t go with pink.  or brown.  or any for-sure-girl color.  we went with a lovely, calming shade of green.  we’re also painting the trim white (used to be 70’s brown wood—ick).  it looks so nice in there.  i just love it.  sometimes i walk into her room just to take it all in…i look around and think how much i love the way it turned out and how proud i am of our preparing and planning ahead while i still have some energy to be a part of it.  (don’t worry—we use paint that does not have voc in it, so there are no toxic smells to go with the painting that i need to be worrying about!  and by the way, i highly recommend using the paint that’s voc-free…so much more comfortable to deal with–pregnant or not.)

and lastly, we are now into the phase of heading to the midwife every two weeks, rather than every four.  this is another major milestone for us in this pregnancy….and it also makes for an even busier life. 🙂  but i don’t mind juggling another appt because it also means we’ll get to hear her little beating heart more often.  at our last appt, my huz noticed her heartbeat was beginning to sound more “human”, a bit slower and lower rather than “tin-ny” or high-pitched…at least not as much as it had been.  i think i know what he means, but really i was too in awe of hearing her heartbeat again that i didn’t pay much attn to comparing how it sounded the month before….i’m just so damn grateful to hear it again that’s all i can think about!

well peeps, you are now officially caught up on the life and times of this baby-mama and her little bear.  is it time for my yoga class yet?!!

for those of you who’ve been reading since the beginning (so that’s two of you probably—my life long friend and my sister!), you know that i planted flowers last spring in a pot on my front porch as a memorial to our three little lost ones.

i planted three yellow ranunculus (spelling?) amidst a sea of creamy pansies.  well, the yellow flowers died somewhere along the summer and while i knew this, i wasn’t yet ready to feel the symbolism or at least i wasn’t ready to yank the dead plants out of the pot.

so i let them be.

my neighbor with whom we share the front porch/deck, however, did not let them be.  i noticed a few weeks ago that the dead plants were missing from our pot.  i thought…oh meanie pants must have pulled the plants out!  (we call her mp for short—she was mean at first; now she’s just controlling and overbearing, but the nickname stuck.)  i was a little surprised, but not really.

today, i am surprised.  i opened our front door, which we don’t do very often because we don’t like the possibility of people looking in (huz esp doesn’t like this), and what did i see? 

not my sea of creamy pansies.  no.

i saw a completely different design in our pot (the pot we chose specifically for our baby memorial)!  our neighbor planted tall grass in the middle of new, fresh pansies to match what she planted in the pot that’s on her side of the porch.  in addition she put two chairs on our side to match the chairs she has on her side!

now, let me say in all fairness….the arrangement is beautiful and the chairs are inviting.  actually, i’d thought at various times that maybe they would have some extra chairs or a bench or something that we could put on our side of the porch….but i thought maybe we’d at least talk about it first?

oh my.  what is there to say really?  how do i even begin to explain what my meager, dying pansies meant to me even if they looked bedraggled?  and do i even want to explain it?  no, i really don’t.

i’m just going to say thank you and let it be, i think.  maybe i’ll ask her to take over our balcony in the back of our place, too….come to think of it, i won’t need to ask her—i’m sure it’s on her to do list already!

i saw the most beautiful pink magnolia tree, thought of you and your little ones and wanted to share the moment with you…thinking of you and remembering your babies…




and thinking of you…




and thinking of you some more…



this is my first post.  ever.  i once was a blogging virgin, but as of this moment i have been officially deflowered.


i once was a positive pregnancy test virgin.  and a miscarriage virgin.  and a shoot-myself-in-the-belly-with-lovenox virgin.


unfortunately, i’ve lost all these flowers, too.  three positive pregnancy tests (okay, who am i trying to kid–i’ve taken WAY more than three tests each pregnancy, but who’s counting?!  anyone who’s had one miscarriage understands the compulsive need to keep testing…even after the next miscarriage has been diagnosed.  what if those damn doctors don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?). 


anyway, where was i?  i’ve had three positive tests, two ultrasounds that showed no beating heart, one shot of lovenox (plus, the “test shot” of saline when they were teaching me how to give the shots).  my husband and i spent an entire day at the emergency room where they can’t do anything for early miscarriages, plus one full day running back and forth to the wal-mart pharmacy (those each might be in the running for hell on earth).  oh!  i took progesterone pills–even though the baby was already lost–just in case there was a chance of saving it.  i’ve talked to my babies, trying to convince them to resuscitate.  i’ve talked to my body, begging it to cooperate.  i’ve loved myself and hated myself through this entire ordeal…not to mention the myriad of feelings i’ve had toward my faithful huz.  and i did all this without my mom who was my medical-go-to-private-nurse-et-al, not to mention, my mom.


and guess what?  still no baby.  no success story here.




but i’m determined to stay on the hunt (okay, today i feel determined–read this blog if you are in need of some inspiration of your own hunt:  little maddie’s smile can inspire anyone.).  please join me on this escapade…there’s so much more to experience and to tell.  i haven’t even mentioned acupuncture for fertility, mayan abdominal massages, vitamin e, raspberry leaf tea, kombucha, radical eating regimens, charting your cycle, frozen miscarried embryos, naturopathy, and the list goes on…


and by the way, even though i’ve lost all of those flowers, i’ve gained these:



planted in memory of my little ones who would have been.

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