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so i was out rummaging with two friends…beautiful day, view of the mountains, chatting with fellow-women-folk…all the makings for a fun day.

do you have any idea how many very pregnant women go to yard sales? i mean really. at the first stop i must have seen at least three pregnant women….out of the four groups who were there…those are pretty big odds.

but i get it…saving money—especially in this economy—by finding good deals on gently used baby goods…i applaud you all for your thrifty genius.

that is not my beef. (this time.)

the thing is, when you least expect a baby/child/mom comment to come flying at you, one will. i guarantee it or your money back.

so there i was, gingerly rummaging through one family’s goods…i’d gone ahead of my friends to see what was at the next house (it was one of those really promising neighborhood/community sales—i get all excited just thinking about the possibilities!)…i found myself contemplating buying something as benign and non-kid related [in my world] as this:

brita kids

(notice the kitty mug in the background—a dish set purchased for me by my mom…which is exactly why we’re still using those dishes after all these years! no way i’m parting with anything my mom gave to me…but i digress…)

yes, it’s true…deciding whether to buy a brita water pitcher at a yard sale solicited a kid comment.

me: i’m not sure i need this…we have one, but it’s smaller i think. i’m always refilling it…

her: well, you could keep them both. you always need to have enough water around for the kids.

me [mumbling to myself as i turned to go find my friends]: yeah, if i had kids i suppose that would be important…

the good news: i’m starting to find these moments slightly funny…i mean, really, i never ever remember getting comments like this before we started along the miscarriage and fertility hunting path, so this either means one of two things [i’m notorious for thinking in black and white, pregnant/not pregnant, fertile/infertile]:

1. people said these kinds of things to me before, but i just never took much notice because i didn’t have this gaping wound back then to be poked and prodded with seemingly harmless, yet very cruel comments…

or

2. it’s a conspiracy

i’m probably onto something with the conspiracy thing.

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sometimes i think it’s a conspiracy…all these people secretly banded together against me, thinking up ways to shock and torment me.

 

you might think i’m being dramatic, but please consider reserving judgment until you hear what happened yesterday.  i was at a networking meeting, minding my own business (and learning about everyone else’s), chatting about this and that, what we do for a living (or wish we were making a living at doing) and all of  a sudden, out of the blue—and completely unrelated to anything in the conversation, before or after—this nice, older gentlemen turned to me and said: do you have children?

 

listen, he didn’t ask anyone else in the group….no one.  nada.  but he turned to me—me—of all people!  i do think it’s a conspiracy, but i’m extremely proud of myself and happy to report: i smiled sweetly (and for the most part i wasn’t even faking it) and said gently and calmly, “no, i don’t…not yet.”

 

i know, i know…my calm, kind, gentle and hopeful (“not yet”) response has you all applauding and cheering.

 

thanks for your encouragement!  and i still think it’s a conspiracy…

some posts need a little updating to fill you in…let’s see….

 

1. remember the post about the insensitive receptionist at my mfm doctor’s office?  well, it got even better…if you can believe it.

a few days after the phone call, i drove to the medical tower where my doctor’s office was located (at least it was located there back in january when i’d been there last).  i finally found a spot in the parking garage, raced up to the office suite and just when i rounded the corner i saw that the lights were off…boxes lining what used to be the waiting room.  i was thoroughly confused and baffled.  i thought maybe i was on the wrong floor of the tower…did i get off the elevator too early?  what on earth?  no, i was in the right place; i knew i was.  naturally, my phone didn’t get reception in the building….did i mention that by this time i was running late for my appointment with dr. naturo???  i raced out of the building and dialed the mfm doctor’s number.  the long and the short of it?  they moved.  sometime in the last three months they’d moved and didn’t notify at least one of their patients….me.  irritating.  thankfully, they faxed the records in time for my appointment (which i could have just requested in the first place and saved myself the irritation…lesson learned).

 

2. on “one good learning”.  i’ve been inspired by a comment made by a fellow blogger on this post.  she mentioned feeling jealous of cultures that have a place for weeping and wailing when someone dies.  this got me thinking…i’m going to create a place on this blog…a wailing wall of sorts…where women can come and remember their babies, tell their stories of loss and of hope…a place to stuff our fears and prayers and rantings and ravings into the cracks of a wall…to remember and to wail.  look for this addition very soon.

 

3. i mentioned in “the saddest irony” that my huz and i do very few things other than conception well together….i am happy to announce this is no longer true!!  last weekend we successfully hung blinds in our windows together with little to no arguing….fabulous!  i’m so proud of us.

 

4. in bittersweet i wrote of the precious cutie pie, little girl, who asked me if i had milk in my beep-beeps.  what i left out was her question that followed my response….she asked, “lilly, will you show me your beep-beeps?”  i said, “absolutely, i thought you’d never ask!” and ripped my shirt off in a flash.

okay, no i didn’t.  when she asked i thought i was going to crack up or choke on the lunch i was eating, but i contained myself and said, “you’re very interested in my beep-beeps today, aren’t you?”  she looked at me sweetly and made the cutest little “um hmm” noise that meant yes, she was very interested in my beep-beeps.  i thought i would melt from loving her so much in that moment…and i said, “well, really these are kind of boring right now…they’re just for show.  nothing going on in there right now”  and somehow we got onto another subject.  she’s the most delightfully precocious and lovely little 2 1/2 year old ever!

 

5. in “here’s what i’m thinking…”, i wrote that mother’s day was probably going to be difficult because my mom is dead and i’m not a mom.  gratefully, it wasn’t nearly as rough as i’d feared since i’d been grieving, remembering and honoring my feelings in the preceding days. 

but, to my surprise (and not the good kind of suprise), just this morning when i was working out, a staff member came up to me and said, “did you have a nice mother’s day?”  i was thinking, “okay, you can handle this question…be kind to this girl…she didn’t mean anything by it…do-not-be-mean-to-this-girl!”  but i had a bit of difficulty with my response, which came out before i had a chance to fully neuter it of all the ugly feelings i was feeling toward her for asking me such a question.  out popped, “it was fine.  i don’t have kids and my mom is dead, so it was nothing special.”  her face conveyed that she felt the punch i swung at her….and i felt like a jerk for treating her badly and for liking it.  i should have helped her out a bit and just said that mother’s day was fine or whatever…no need to go into details just to make her feel bad.  but in that moment i wanted her to hurt, too. 

 

6. according to my blog stats, someone actually clicked on a link to “be careful what movies you watch” after they googled “adult movie”…makes me wonder what they were thinking when they realized they’d stumbled onto a fertility blog rather than a porn site or something…funny.  i’m not picky–i’ll take my readers any way i can get ’em!

 

and now, my fellow hunters and friends, you are fully updated!

i work part-time as a nanny for a family with two older, mostly independent and mostly fun girls.  it’s low-key with a lot of great perks, especially the incredibly-low-stress part of the job.

 

i got there the other night, ready to hang out with the kiddos whilst the parents went out for a night on the town…it was movie night, so i wasn’t even going to have to play games or pretend to be excited about the jonas brothers.  just hang out and watch a movie.

 

but the thing is….the movie the kids chose (with the parent’s approval) was much more of an adult movie, than a kid’s movie.  i never in a million years anticipated that it would include a scene where the wife has a miscarriage.

 

gasp.

 

there i was lying on the couch, watching a movie with two girls and their neighbor-boy when all of a sudden i’m watching a woman weeping over the news she received at her ultrasound appointment.  all i could think to myself was that i’ve been there.

 

next came the scene where she and her husband are silently driving home, shell-shocked, traumatized, grief-stricken.  i’ve been there with my huz, too.  deadly silence.

 

last, but not least…she’s sitting on her couch in a daze, then weeping, then in a daze again.  i know moments like those, too.

 

one would imagine that if i could quickly locate and secure my fertility mask, i’d be just fine.  and i’m sure i would have been.

 

but then that stupid little neighbor-boy had to open his mouth…

boy: now she has something dead in her body.

me [remembering the occasions when i’ve had something dead in my body, too]: yes, sadly, she does.

girl [to me]: do you have a kid?

me [thinking i hate you both; shut up and watch the damn movie, but saying as gently as possible in that moment]: no, i don’t.

girl: are you going to?

me: [irrationally thinking, can’t you please stop intentionally trying to hurt me?  isn’t it bad enough you insisted on watching this f-ing movie in the first place?!  stop talking.] well, i don’t know.

 

they did in fact return to watching the movie after this.  as did i.  at least on the outside i appeared to be watching.  on the inside i was thinking about the sheer unexpected-ness of the moments, the innocent questions of children and my desire to squelch them.  make them stop asking questions that remind me of my pain.  loss.  unanswered questions.  young, aching places. 

 

i’m just saying, if you don’t have your mask in place, be careful what movies you watch and with whom.

i would think it’d be fairly safe to call my maternal fetal medicine doctor’s office…safer, for instance, from insensitive, clueless people than at a run of the mill ob-gyn’s office, given that you only get into a MFM doc because you are high-risk for pregnancy (ie recurrent miscarriage, chromosomal issues, later-in-life pregnancy, blood clotting disorders, etc.)

 

i thought i was safe–so much so–that i dialed the number before securing (or even locating) my fertility mask (for more info on the mask, click here).  i walked right into the line of fire completely unprotected.  it went something like this:

 

me:  hi, i’d like to obtain a copy of my medical records.

 

her:  okay.  when did you have your baby?

 

me:  [feeling a piercing, stabbing pain jabbing through my sternum straight into my heart]  um, i didn’t have a baby.

 

her:  oh, okay.  you’re still pregnant.

 

me:  [feeling rage well up inside of me.  responding very forcefully.]  no.  i’m not pregnant!

 

her:  oh, okay.  i’m just asking because i need to know where to look for your file, blah, blah, blah–

 

me:  look, you stupid idiot moron insensitive annoying stupid head…..you work at a maternal fetal medicine doctor’s office.  your office exists for women who are fertility challenged!!!   don’t you think it would be wise to treat each patient with a little bit of sensitivity since you don’t know where they are in their individual hunts for their fertility?!  you can look for my file in the section reserved for women with three dead babies.  thank you.

 

okay, i didn’t really say that last part….and even what i wrote is a censored version of what i’d really liked to have said to her.  isn’t there someone in the medical world with a little bit of sensitivity for those of us who don’t have a pregnancy success story?

…i really need to write about something that makes me happy or something i’m excited about or something that makes me sound like less of a drag.

 

and i’m sure i will very soon, but i feel i must write first about an experience i had yesterday at the hairdresser’s.  i was feeling rather spiffy with my new ‘do (even though i’m still not very sure it’s a great cut–i just always feel good after a blowout and style.  how can you not feel great when someone else just saved you all the energy it usually takes to wash and style your hair?!)

 

so, yes, i was feeling great.  my stylist had just finished pouring over me, telling me how full and thick my hair is.  “you have so much hair.  i forget each time how MUCH hair you have until i start to style it!  just LOOK at this hair!”  and on and on. 

 

when i was getting up from the chair to leave he said, “i hope your kids get your hair.”  I honestly thought he meant that he hoped the kids i nanny would “get” my hair, meaning that they’d notice i’m sporting a new look.  perhaps that tells you how little hope i have some days that i will actually locate my fertility.  

 

i mumbled something that probably made no sense to him, given my confusion, and then realized he meant my kids–my  kids–he wished my kids would get my amazingly, wonderfully thick hair.  look, today i feel like i’d take a kid with the hair of medusa

 

medusa

 

just give me a kid!  bald, curly, straight…who cares.  give me three or four, while you’re at it.  (i never said these were rational thoughts…)

 

a simple, harmless comment from a well-meaning acquaintance can reduce me to tears sometimes.  in this instance, i kept the tears inside and i’m glad…crying in front of my hairdresser is not my idea of a good time.  although, i do have a story with a very different ending that i’ll have to share sometime…one where i did crumble into a messy pile of tears and snot.

 

there’s another blogger who wrote a great post on a similar theme that rang true for me.  she calls it “the mask of the infertile” and you can find her blog here.  i’d be happy to return this mask anytime now.

 

and i promise i’ll have something clever and upbeat and wonderful to say very soon…i just need to think of it first.