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first, a big thank you to all who read yesterday’s post and for your comments…i think that a nearly universal fear that comes with losing someone you love is that you’ll be the only one who remembers them or cares that they’re gone…this fear has been true for me with losing my mom and losing our babies and i’ve heard others express a similar concern.  over the years i’ve come to realize that there are always a handful of people who remember with me…who care…who are touched by my expressions of grief and who let me know i’m not remembering alone.  thank you.

also, i’d love to know who put a post on the lost and found and connections abound blog so i can thank you personally.  that was so thoughtful and honestly, i didn’t know the blog existed until i saw people had been referred from there to my blog……i’d love to say a personal thank you to the one who made that post.  but in case i never learn who you are………………thank you!

next, i thought i’d give a little update on what my day was like yesterday, since i posted in the morning what i’d been thinking, feeling, and planning……..and days have a way of taking on a shape of their own sometimes.

i started my day with my favorite donut….bavarian cream/boston creme/whatever you want to call it….cream on the inside with chocolate frosting on the outside.  then i wrote and expressed what i was feeling…what it’s been like for me these years, what i feel about becoming a mom without my mom and all that i miss about her.  it was so good for me to get the thoughts and feelings out of my mind where they’d been circling for a while when i was considering what i’d like to write. 

then i did what i haven’t felt motivated to do in many, many weeks………..i styled my hair!  these days i usually just don’t want to take the time or energy to straighten it, so i just pull it back in a ponytail and call it good or wear it wavy…but not yesterday.  since i was taking time to tend to myself, i added straightening my hair to the list.  and i’m so glad i did.  i always feel good when i do that.

next i was off to get my pedicure.  it was nice and our little baby bear must have liked it too because she was bouncing around and kicking and being adorable.  she stretched her legs out so fast and so far that she actually tickled my side from the inside and surprised me!  you know the feeling when someone tickles your sides…that’s what it felt like on the inside.  what a fun moment.  that’s happened a couple of times and it makes me laugh every time.  (and of course it would make me laugh….it tickles!)  when i was searching for the polish i wanted to use, i was sad to realize i didn’t think of bringing my mom’s favorite color with me.  i looked for it on their shelves, but couldn’t find it so i went with a similar color.  i love it.  my toes look fabulous…too bad i can’t see them easily!  and i had a good laugh when the pedicurist was trying to help me put my flip-flops on as i was readying to leave….i couldn’t see the shoe or my foot very well so i had a heck of a time getting my foot in there.  another good laugh!

then i drove up to have lunch with my friends.  it was a sunny day, good music on the radio, and anticipation about being with dear friends.  we had a yummy lunch, shared many laughs, and even managed to get a walk in the sunshine in before we parted ways….and then i was off to sweetie pie maddie’s house.

what can i say about this little girl other than she’s the sweetest?!  when i was getting ready to leave and trying to say goodbye she said, “you can’t leave yet!  let’s go upstairs and snuggle together in my big bed and read!”  oh, melt my heart.  she recently transitioned from a toddler bed to a bunk bed where she sleeps on the bottom bunk which is a big double bed….and she’s so proud of it.  what a darling little girl.  i’m so glad i was with her and her family for a bit yesterday….a definite highlight.

and since i had such a hard time leaving, i got home later than planned for dinner with my huz.  he was in the throws of his nesting compulsions when i got home, so i was off the hook more or less.  my huz bought me a peace lily yesterday with tons of blooms and it’s beautiful and thoughtful and made me cry.  i love that guy.

finally, we were both ready to go and we decided to try a greek restaurant in the next city over…this is where things took a turn…we were driving along, finding out way to the restaurant when all of a sudden a fluffy white cat ran in front of our car and into the next lane where we both saw it get run over.  holy shit.

we wouldn’t have planned that, couldn’t have expected it and didn’t know what in the world to do.  since the other car stopped, we decided it would be okay to let them handle things and we would keep on going….only to find that the restaurant we were headed for was mysteriously closed and we didn’t know if we could even think of eating after that.  we both love cats….and my huz especially has a soft spot for all animals…my, were we both shaken.

somehow–and i’m not really sure how–we got it together, thought of another restaurant we’d like to try, and continued on our way.  we ended up eating at a bbq place (bbq was another fav of my mom’s) and while there i remembered that one time when my parents lived near kc (the bbq capital of the country, i think) my mom, huz and i headed over to have dinner together at a place that was highlighted for their bbq in sunset mag.  that was a fun memory i hadn’t thought of in ages.

and then we started talking about how odd life can be.  here we were headed to dinner at a greek restaurant, saw something horrible and sad and awful, re-routed ourselves and wound up in a place we’d not have thought of otherwise, but ended up enjoying thoroughly…and yet, this is not to negate our original plan…it was a good one and would have been lovely had it turned out.  but it didn’t.  and in this case, something else lovely did happen.

but then there’s the reality that life doesn’t always go that way…and it certainly didn’t go that way for the person who accidentally hit the cat or the family who lost their pet or the many, many, many people who went without hope or money or a place to sleep or a family or…or…or last night.

and while i don’t get it, i’m so grateful for the day i had yesterday…….remembering my mom and feeling the sun on my face, the hugs of friends, and snuggles from my huz mingled with tears and grief and loss.

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this morning cutie-pie-maddie and i made cupcakes together.  thisis such a fun milestone for us because when i met her she was just five months old…there was certainly no cupcake-making together back then.

 

it was very fun for me to watch her learning how to bake…to fill the cups with batter and to indulge her requests to taste the batter.  she LOVES the batter…she’s a smart cookie!

 

anyway, as we were eating the tasty treats fresh from the oven, maddie said,

 

“are you a mommy?”

 

i felt the familiar twinge or jolt or stab of pain and responded,

 

“no.  i’m not a mommy.”

 

i thought that would be the end of it, but i was wrong….

 

she replied (in her adorable almost-3-year-old english) with a furrowed brow,

 

“why are not you a mommy?”

 

I said, “well, i want to be a mommy.”

 

she said, “oh.”

 

and then i added, “but i’m just not a mommy, yet.”

 

then i asked her if she was a mommy.  she answered enthusiastically, “yes!  i’m monkey’s mommy!”

 

so precious.  and painful, too.

i’m helping the famous maddie potty train when i’m with her three days a week…she a smart cookie and under ordinary circumstances would probably take to going on the potty like a fish to water….or something like that.

 

but these are not normal circumstances.  as much as we love each other, i’m not her mommy.  and now maddie’s adjusting to her mom heading back to work part-time, so the potty training is a bit of an overload it seems.

 

but the little cutie pie is trying her hardest to make it happen.  the other day she was sitting and sitting and waiting and sitting and trying and waiting and sitting.  but nothing was tinkling, if you know what i mean.

 

i asked her what she was feeling.  she threw her head back in utter exhaustion and said,

 

“i’m so tired of trying!”

 

well, i can certainly relate to that!  i was feeling a bit desperate to help her, grabbing for straws…anything to make it happen for her–anything!

 

and that was i said those six little words.  in the midst of my desperation and deep desire to say or do something to help her i said the thing i hate to hear and vowed i’d never say to anyone—ever.  i said,

 

“just relax and it will happen.”

 

immediately, i heard the irony.  i could not believe i said those words!  i hate hearing people say i need to relax…try going on vacation…blah, blah, blah.  and now i’m the one who, desperate to help someone i love so dearly, said those ridiculous words.

 

in that moment, i think we both knew that a little relaxation was not going to make it happen.

so today she was sitting on the potty “trying” to go and she said out of the blue, “you look a bit like your mom.”

 

i said, “really?  well, thank you.”  i was a little shocked to hear her say such a thing, given my mom was dead for over a year before i even met maddie…matter of fact, before maddie was even born!

 

she said, “do you see her shadow over there?”

 

i got chills and repeated what she said with a puzzled look on my face. 

 

she said, “yes, do you see your shadow over there?”

 

make of it what you will, but this little girl amazes me…every day i’m starry-eyed and lovestruck in her presence.

 

plus—she thinks i look like my mom!