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i’m so happy to report that at my appt yesterday–two weeks after the initial scare–my blood pressure has returned to my usual 120’s over 70’s and there was no sugar or protien in my urine….which means i didn’t have to have my blood drawn again….big celebration over that little piece of good fortune!!

thank you nina planck and your book real food for mothers and babies!  i can’t say enough good things about this author or the books i’ve read of hers…i know i’m a broken record on this.  what can i say?

my pregnancy ticker says “14 days until my due date”!  how did that happen so fast??!!

38 weeks, here i come!

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my oh my…today is the first day of march!!  the month of our guess date.  the month our baby might be born.  the month we’ve been waiting for since july.  march!!

i awoke feeling very excited that it’s finally march…and i will go to sleep tonight feeling happy still that we’ve made it to this point in our pregnancy.  i can’t believe it and i’m so grateful and happy and scared about becoming a mom and sad over the loss of what my relationship with my huz has always been…don’t get me wrong, i know it will be changed in so many amazing ways.  but we’ve been together for over six years now and have fought hard for every year, for the kind of relationship we enjoy (most days) now….and soon these days will be in the past.  we will no longer be just sweetie and huz.  our lives will never be the same and that is both exhilarating and sad.

and this, in large part, accounts for our increased bickering and the over-arching frustration that’s been growing between us…until, that is, we get to the point of grieving and expressing our fears, losses, anxieties, etc.  so, this is the roller coaster we are riding these days: content/excited/nervous…anxious/agitated/angry…sad/nervous/excited/content…

and on and on it goes.  just like everything else, we will get through.  we’ll find our rhythm and find our way back to one another just as our baby bear finds her way into our arms.

the other thing we’re going to get through and fight for is my health.  at our prenatal appt tonight, my blood pressure was a tiny bit more elevated than usual and the pee dip stick showed a small amt of sugar and protein in my urine.  now, some of you might have noticed by now that i’m a bit unconventional when it comes to certain things…and this preeclampsia scare is no different.  i’m in no way going to lie down and let fate take its course.

oh no.

i’ve done my research and found through sources i trust that preeclampsia is due to protein deficiency.  this means i’m going to be eating a high protein food every hour or so until my next visit (next week); i’m going to take my midwife’s advice and use the community pool for water walking; i’m going to eat plenty of fresh greens…i’m going to continue to use my celtic sea salt to taste and drink to thirst.  i am not going to sit around and wait for my tiny little  symptoms to get worse or become “something to worry about”……….nope.  protein, here i come.

ask me in a few weeks if i regret this decision.  but i don’t think i will.  i’m going to do everything i can to fight for my health, avoid induction/c-section, medicated birth….everything i can to protect our baby’s entry into this world, her first hours after birth and our best chances for early bonding through skin-to-skin contact and the all-important eye contact that she needs and i long to give her.

in the end, if we need to use medical interventions to bring our baby into this world, it will be b/c there was no other way to preserve her health or mine and so i will be grateful for medical technology for sure.  but you better believe i will fight till the end for the natural hypnobirthing experience i’ve been preparing for all these weeks and months.

wish me luck!

i’m in the throws of contemplating whether or not to do the glucose tolerance test.  i have the juice and the directions on what to do prior to my next appt, should i decide to do the test.  but i can’t decide.  i just keep going back and forth. 

presently, i’m thinking this: i will take the test simply because if i don’t take the test and i go into pre-term labor, i will blame myself for not taking the test.  quite frankly, i don’t need one more thing to guilt myself about in this life….so the more i can cut back on providing myself the opportunity to do just that, the better.

but i can guarantee you that tomorrow i will have another idea about what i should do regarding that stupid test…thank you midwives for giving me the choice…that really uncomplicates my life; i’m so grateful…i’m being sarcastic to a point…most of the time i truly am grateful for the freedom they give me to make this pregnancy my own and to be in charge of what happens to my body.

either way, i will have to get poked at my next check.  i’m not looking forward to another blood draw, although i must say i’ve only been poked one other time so far during this pregnancy, which is less than i have been in any given six month stretch for a while now.  this is something to be grateful for, let me assure you!  anyway, they are going to test my vitamin d levels, as my naturopath let me know there is some research to suggest (this does not mean there is an absolute direct correlation) that vitamin d deficiancy in pregnancy may be linked to autism.  i don’t care whether or not this is true, i don’t want to take any chances and i was already low in vitamin d prior to this pregnancy, so to me it’s worth getting stuck with a needle for that.

all in all, i’m 27wks1d and happy for it.  i can’t believe how quickly time is flying.  and every little kick is like a dream come true…except the kicks to the cervix….now that is just downright uncomfortable!

well, i thought the u/s at 6w2d was amazing…and it was.

but today’s was something beyond words.  and a much, much, much better experience than working with the previous technician and clinic.  for that i am grateful.

our baby bear (we are the bear family, after all—huzzy bear, schweetie bear…) is measuring big…giving us a new, earlier due date!  i thought i was 12w0d today; turns out i’m actually measuring 13w3d today…..i leapt right into the beginning of my second trimester and didn’t even know it!

the tech reported that all the measurements were looking great and we scheduled our next scan for early november.  i can’t believe we get to see our little bear again (we hope)!

and now, for the first time ever, we get to have u/s pics on our refrigerater….i wish this experience, plus more, on you all!!!!!!

and i’m sad that it’s not a given for any of us, including me even as i’m in the beginning of my second trimester…i’m sad that life is so uncertain and fragile and sometimes exceedingly painful.

and i’m thankful that some days are fabulous days–no matter the outcome…nothing can take today’s memory away, not even death.

my ultrasound appt was yesterday morning…very early.  i couldn’t sleep past 4:45a.  i was anxious and scared and feeling very young.

 

the medical imaging clinic dr. naturo referred me to did not allow partners to go into the exam rooms until the end.  when they told me this on the phone, i thought i was fine with that.  until i put the gown on and got up on the table, that is.  then the panic set in. 

 

i felt alone and naked.  on top of this, i was sure my bladder was going to burst any minute.  i’ve never heard of them using the stomach ultrasound tool (i have no idea what the heck to call it) for a pregnancy that’s 6 weeks along.  each time she pressed on my bladder i thought i would pee on the table.  luckily, i was able to use the restroom before the transvaginal u/s.

 

the tech should become a professional poker player…her poker face kept me on pins and needles for 50 mins while she poked and prodded.  i literally had no idea what she was seeing or not seeing.  this not-knowing was really beginning to take its toll on me…at one point i sighed heavily while tears were streaming down the sides of my face and she asked me if i was okay.  i said, “i’m just anxious to hear the results.”  “oh, the doctor will tell you.”

 

what?

 

in my previous two experiences with ultrasounds, the doctor is brought in to deliver the bad news (and even in those two cases, the tech told me what she was not seeing as she was not seeing it).  well, then the tears really started to flow.  i was in a panic and feeling desperate to get off that table to find my huzzy.  i was mentally planning the phone calls i needed to make to rearrange the rest of my day…i was envisioning myself holed up in my room for the coming week.

 

i was in a panic.

 

then she called the dr to come in.  oh my.

 

he said, “well, you’re obiously pregnant.  what are we looking at here?  6 weeks?”

 

tech replied, “yep, 6w2d.”

 

and then the dr started giving her instructions on showing him my ovaries and such, making her sound like a total idiot and i felt bad for her while simultaneously trying to make sense of whether he’d just delivered good news or bad news to me.  he was so matter of fact.  so dry.  so not excited.

 

just before he turned to walk out he said, “well, everything looks good so far.  congratulations.”

 

i was thinking, “really?  well, how come you’re not showing me anything?”  so i asked the tech if she would let me see (can you believe i had to ask if i could see?!).  the dr heard and gave his approval for her to show me.

 

and that was when i saw our little baby, right inside of me with a tiny little dash of a heartbeat.  i’ve never seen anything like it inside of me.  i’ve never been able to see the baby or a fetal pole or anything…it’s always been darkness.

 

but yesterday there was light.  a tiny little spark of life with the most beautiful little heartbeat. 

 

and while we all know anything can happen…….i am in awe and am thrilled to announce a first for me: yesterday i saw a baby and a heartbeat!!

or a girl.

 

it’s hard for my acupuncturist to tell through my body’s energy pulses.  the thing is my pulses are stronger on the left side, which in chinese medicine means it’s a girl.  however, my acupuncturist informed me that she is consistently wrong about the gender, so that means it’s a boy.

 

it’s actually kind of a fun diversion to think about this experience than my impending ultrasound which will give us some definitive answers….fantasy is always much more fun than reality.

 

so, there you have it folks….it’s a boy!  or a girl!

thanks to all who responded to my plea for help in making this decision.

 

 thankyouthankyouthankyou.

 

i took it all in and, of course, over-thought it…(i totally resonated with your comments, kate and jeanine.)

 

and i’m nervous to announce that—for better or worse—i have made my decision.

 

i realized that while initially it was helpful not to be poked and prodded, it is currently driving me crazy to not know whether this pregnancy is viable.  i need to know.  i really resonated with many of your comments re: this and especially when MEG.said she wouldn’t want to be surprised by a miscarriage on a vacation…that clicked with me.  (by the way, do you mind that i always type your name as “MEG.”?  i like it, but wondered the other day if you find it annoying…if so, i’ll stop…just say the word.)

 

so……………..i called dr. naturo on monday morning and told her i was ready for the referrals for an ultrasound.  by monday evening, i’d made the appointment.  then i read gabby’s comment about “trying on” a decision to see how it feels…and while i’d already actually gone ahead with my decision to make the appointment, it was really helpful for me to pause for a moment to check in with myself on how i’m feeling.

 

and i’m feeling anxious.  which is why i’m up in the middle of the night right now. 

 

i’ve never had a positive outcome to an ultrasound.  maybe this week will be a first.  maybe not.

 

but i’m as ready as i’ll ever be to find out what’s happening…at least, what’s happening at this point…sadly, many of us know that things can change…even after an ultrasound.

 

once again, thank you all for your kind wishes and support.  putting it out there and hearing from you really helped me get connected with what i want and need right now.

 

thank you.

…poked, that is.

 

i’ve decided not to do the usual preliminary blood work this time around…how did i come to this decision, you ask?

 

well, if you’ve been reading this blog for long you know that i’ve suffered three previous miscarriages.  if you’ve just tuned in, you can read more about my first miscarriage here.  my first miscarriage took me/us by surprise…more or less woke up bleeding one morning.  that experience set the ball rolling for blood tests and pokes and prods in my subsequent pregnancies/miscarriages.

 

i decided a couple of months ago that if i became pregnant again i didn’t want to go through the stress and headaches of rushing around to blood labs, not to mention the anxiety i feel having my arms poked—all in all, blood draws cause me stress. 

 

on top of this, for my second pregnancy the blood draws showed everything was progressing beautifully—my progesterone was at 28!—and, alas, when i was 6w2d the ultrasound showed the pregnancy was not viable.  all of that poking and the false security it provided turned me off….and pissed me off, too!

 

so, this time around i’ve decided to go about things the old fashioned way….to a point.  i won’t be having my blood work drawn—unless the high dose of progesterone suppositories i’m taking begin to make me feel too uncomfortable with symptoms.  in that case, i’m open to testing my progesterone level to see if i can back off a bit on the prometrium dosage.  otherwise, i’m going to try to hang in there until my seventh week.  dr. naturo told me that she’d order an ultrasound at that point if things seem to be progressing (ie i am still experiencing symptoms) and then we will be able to check for fetal tone at that point.

 

naturally, i’m even afraid to do an ultrasound…the last two times i’ve had an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat there hasn’t been one.  but i think if i haven’t miscarried by then (i know that sounds morbid, but after three i guess i’ve sadly come to expect it while still hoping against hope for the best) i will want to know if there’s a heartbeat.

 

the timing is a little bit rough, as that same week i’ll be flying out for two weeks with friends and family…….but i’m not going to think about all the what-if-there’s-no-heartbeat scenarios right now….or at least i’m not going to write about my thoughts about those scenarios right now!

 

so, here’s the breakdown in terms of my supplements and our plan moving forward:

 

daily–2000 iu vitamin d; 400 iu natural vitamin e; thorne prenatal vitamin; high dose of methylated folic acid; high dose vitamin b6; 200 mg prometrium suppository (morning and evening); begin weaning myself off of the pregnenalone i’ve been taking.

 

if this pregnancy is viable through the first trimester, i will also wean myself off of the methylated folic acid and b6.  i will continue to monitor my side effects/symptoms of the prometrium and if i become too uncomfortable will possibly go down to a lower dose if blood work showed a high enough level of progesterone in my blood.

 

i will check back with dr. naturo in two weeks…if things “seem” to be progressing (i.e. if i haven’t miscarried) we will schedule an ultrasound for the week of august 10th, which will be my 7th week if all goes well, to check for fetal tone.

 

in the meantime, i will continue working with my acupuncturist every two weeks or more, as needed.  my next appt is friday (note to self: remember camera!).

 

suffice it to say, i have to tell myself about a million times a day that i need to take it one day at a time.  that’s all i can do.  one foot in front of the other.  deep cleansing breaths.  supplements, healthy food (for the most part!), happy thoughts and lots of mario cart

 

the rest is out of my hands.

here’s the deal: if you are reading this and you don’t know me personally you may skip to the end of this post.

however, if you are reading this and you do know me personally, i.e. you are my sister, one of my dear friends from college, you are a friend and colleague, or a friend and colleague’s wife, or a current client (just kidding on the current client bit…i can’t even begin to explain to you how inappropriate it would be for me to advertise my blog to my clients…i just threw that in there for shock value!).  if so, please read the following options very carefully:

1. you may move your cursor to the upper right hand corner of your screen right now and click the little red box with the “x” to close the window and be none-the-wiser.  i would recommend this option for those of you who maybe let’s say have a difficult time keeping a secret….if confidentiality is not your thing, well, then own that about yourself and do us both a favor and close this window asap.  (as an aside, if confidentiality is not your thing and you’re one of my therapist colleagues, i’d like to say with all due respect: YOU ARE IN THE WRONG LINE OF WORK!  own it and move on.) 🙂

2. if you choose to continue reading because you feel you are adept at keeping confidential information confidential, you may continue reading this and all future posts with the understanding and agreement that you will keep what you’re about to read to yourself.  this means that you will not mention anything about me (ie information related to this blog) to anyone…not your spouse, your hairdresser, your pet snake, no one….not even in your dreams.  and not even to me—which actually goes beyond the usual bounds of confidentiality!  even though you know i already know what you’re about to read, you are hereby promising to behave as though you know nothing about what you will so obviously wish to let me know that you know about me.  this includes not leaving any comments on this blog.  i do not want to catch you even giving a hint of body language that would let me know you’ve been reading this blog.  that’s a pretty tall order.  if you aren’t up for the task, i understand…but if not, follow the instructions listed above and click the “x” in the upper right hand corner.

if you should decide to enter this agreement, i would like to inform you of the only instances in which you would be legally permitted to break our confidentiality agreement….

–if you have reason to believe i am a danger to myself and/or others.

–if you have been subpeonaed by the Court and ordered to release information about me.

–if you have a signed release of information from me stating you have my permission to share information about me.

i think that about covers it and i can tell you right now that none of the above circumstances will come to pass.

so……….if you are ready and willing to accept the limits of this confidentiality agreement, read on.

the results of my handy-dandy internet hpt’s are in: two pink lines.

how many hpt’s are too many to take for one cycle?  is five too many?  i mean really, let’s get serious…one or two simply will not do, but where’s the line?  when do i know i’ve crossed into insanely obsessed hpt addict territory?

 

just curious.