You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘silver linings’ category.

i’ve been working on my resume and job-hunting a bit this week, as i contemplate my new role as mother and career woman (or so i am hoping).

in perusing my files i came across a short essay i wrote for a vocational and occupational class i took in 2008 as part of my graduate education.  it was to be my statement of intent—a declaration of my career goals and pursuits.  i wrote it just one week after the first day of my very first miscarriage, when i found it difficult to declare even what i’d wear that day, much less what i was going to do with my life.  my graduation was just a few months away and i didn’t care anymore…it reads as follows:

*******************************************

A mere eight weeks ago, my statement of intent may have read: when I graduate I plan to celebrate in a big way—months of celebration, culminating in a two week exotic vacation with my husband who consistently believes in my ability as a therapist even when I do not.  Along with celebrating, I also intend to begin the process of setting up my private practice by securing office space and designing my webpage.  I also intend to pursue possible agency work to gain experience and hours in a clinical setting.  I set goals for myself including securing fifteen clients by December 2008 and creating an office space that reflects warmth, tenderness and safety.  I felt like I would burst into the sky like a rocket ship from anticipation at the thought of embarking on fulfilling these goals and dreams.

Just four weeks ago, my statement of intent completely shifted when I discovered I was pregnant.  Fear and delight gripped me at the thought of rearranging my timeline, my vision of what life would look like in the coming months as I would need to make an enormous amount of space in my life for a tiny little bundle.  I had not previously known how deeply I desired to mother.  Then, my intention was to put my professional aspirations temporarily on hold, perhaps facilitating a group one night per week until I felt freer to pursue my goals.  I envisioned pushing back my “fifteen client” goal about two years from now.  I was beginning to wrap my mind around the possibility of being a mom and a therapist as a new “timeline” began to take shape in me.

In the wake of my miscarriage, I no longer have a clue what in the world I will be doing (or even feeling like doing) tomorrow, much less in three months.  At this moment in time the idea of making a declaration of my intentions, professing my hopes and dreams, feels unbearable.  I feel enraged.  I feel scared.  As it turns out, I was on the rocket ship Challenger, which exploded in mid-air.  In the wake of trauma and death, I am again so painfully aware of the fragility of life.  Making declarations such as these requires a level of bold courage and hope that I am currently not able to locate within myself.  However, I believe that tiny little pockets of hope are hidden among the ashes.  I will wait for them to bubble to the surface and I will honor my desire by continuing to hope for a future as a therapist and a mother, whatever shape that will take.  When I graduate, I intend to remain close to my heart, give myself as much space as possible to grieve and heal, and retain the tenderness and passion I have come to love about myself as a therapist.  Beyond that, I am unable to say at this point.  I will keep you posted.

*******************************************

may i say, i am SO relieved to be past those early, early days.  i do not know how i got through them…i do know that i felt clueless as to where i was headed or why.

and while the memories of my much desired pregnancies remain ever with me, i feel so different today.  i feel content in a new way that i’ve not previously known.  i feel inspired to pursue my career goals more freely and more fully than i have up to this point.  i feel empowered.

and i still don’t have a clue where i’m headed…but i know where i’ve been and i believe and trust that my biggest asset today is my ability to find my way through those painful, horrific seasons with some sort of dignity. 

what i know now that i didn’t know then is that i’d one day have a lil’ bear whose smile melts my heart to no end.

and she’s exactly 12 weeks old today!

i.am.so.grateful.

Advertisements

first, a big thank you to all who read yesterday’s post and for your comments…i think that a nearly universal fear that comes with losing someone you love is that you’ll be the only one who remembers them or cares that they’re gone…this fear has been true for me with losing my mom and losing our babies and i’ve heard others express a similar concern.  over the years i’ve come to realize that there are always a handful of people who remember with me…who care…who are touched by my expressions of grief and who let me know i’m not remembering alone.  thank you.

also, i’d love to know who put a post on the lost and found and connections abound blog so i can thank you personally.  that was so thoughtful and honestly, i didn’t know the blog existed until i saw people had been referred from there to my blog……i’d love to say a personal thank you to the one who made that post.  but in case i never learn who you are………………thank you!

next, i thought i’d give a little update on what my day was like yesterday, since i posted in the morning what i’d been thinking, feeling, and planning……..and days have a way of taking on a shape of their own sometimes.

i started my day with my favorite donut….bavarian cream/boston creme/whatever you want to call it….cream on the inside with chocolate frosting on the outside.  then i wrote and expressed what i was feeling…what it’s been like for me these years, what i feel about becoming a mom without my mom and all that i miss about her.  it was so good for me to get the thoughts and feelings out of my mind where they’d been circling for a while when i was considering what i’d like to write. 

then i did what i haven’t felt motivated to do in many, many weeks………..i styled my hair!  these days i usually just don’t want to take the time or energy to straighten it, so i just pull it back in a ponytail and call it good or wear it wavy…but not yesterday.  since i was taking time to tend to myself, i added straightening my hair to the list.  and i’m so glad i did.  i always feel good when i do that.

next i was off to get my pedicure.  it was nice and our little baby bear must have liked it too because she was bouncing around and kicking and being adorable.  she stretched her legs out so fast and so far that she actually tickled my side from the inside and surprised me!  you know the feeling when someone tickles your sides…that’s what it felt like on the inside.  what a fun moment.  that’s happened a couple of times and it makes me laugh every time.  (and of course it would make me laugh….it tickles!)  when i was searching for the polish i wanted to use, i was sad to realize i didn’t think of bringing my mom’s favorite color with me.  i looked for it on their shelves, but couldn’t find it so i went with a similar color.  i love it.  my toes look fabulous…too bad i can’t see them easily!  and i had a good laugh when the pedicurist was trying to help me put my flip-flops on as i was readying to leave….i couldn’t see the shoe or my foot very well so i had a heck of a time getting my foot in there.  another good laugh!

then i drove up to have lunch with my friends.  it was a sunny day, good music on the radio, and anticipation about being with dear friends.  we had a yummy lunch, shared many laughs, and even managed to get a walk in the sunshine in before we parted ways….and then i was off to sweetie pie maddie’s house.

what can i say about this little girl other than she’s the sweetest?!  when i was getting ready to leave and trying to say goodbye she said, “you can’t leave yet!  let’s go upstairs and snuggle together in my big bed and read!”  oh, melt my heart.  she recently transitioned from a toddler bed to a bunk bed where she sleeps on the bottom bunk which is a big double bed….and she’s so proud of it.  what a darling little girl.  i’m so glad i was with her and her family for a bit yesterday….a definite highlight.

and since i had such a hard time leaving, i got home later than planned for dinner with my huz.  he was in the throws of his nesting compulsions when i got home, so i was off the hook more or less.  my huz bought me a peace lily yesterday with tons of blooms and it’s beautiful and thoughtful and made me cry.  i love that guy.

finally, we were both ready to go and we decided to try a greek restaurant in the next city over…this is where things took a turn…we were driving along, finding out way to the restaurant when all of a sudden a fluffy white cat ran in front of our car and into the next lane where we both saw it get run over.  holy shit.

we wouldn’t have planned that, couldn’t have expected it and didn’t know what in the world to do.  since the other car stopped, we decided it would be okay to let them handle things and we would keep on going….only to find that the restaurant we were headed for was mysteriously closed and we didn’t know if we could even think of eating after that.  we both love cats….and my huz especially has a soft spot for all animals…my, were we both shaken.

somehow–and i’m not really sure how–we got it together, thought of another restaurant we’d like to try, and continued on our way.  we ended up eating at a bbq place (bbq was another fav of my mom’s) and while there i remembered that one time when my parents lived near kc (the bbq capital of the country, i think) my mom, huz and i headed over to have dinner together at a place that was highlighted for their bbq in sunset mag.  that was a fun memory i hadn’t thought of in ages.

and then we started talking about how odd life can be.  here we were headed to dinner at a greek restaurant, saw something horrible and sad and awful, re-routed ourselves and wound up in a place we’d not have thought of otherwise, but ended up enjoying thoroughly…and yet, this is not to negate our original plan…it was a good one and would have been lovely had it turned out.  but it didn’t.  and in this case, something else lovely did happen.

but then there’s the reality that life doesn’t always go that way…and it certainly didn’t go that way for the person who accidentally hit the cat or the family who lost their pet or the many, many, many people who went without hope or money or a place to sleep or a family or…or…or last night.

and while i don’t get it, i’m so grateful for the day i had yesterday…….remembering my mom and feeling the sun on my face, the hugs of friends, and snuggles from my huz mingled with tears and grief and loss.

oh my goodness.

we haven’t even had our shower yet and already we received the absolutely weirdest baby shower gift ever.  let me begin by saying, my huz and i had both been hoping either my dad or his parents would give us a crib.  now, i know this is a big gift to receive, but we had our hopes up nonetheless. 

then the other day, my huz talked to his parents on the phone and his mom told him this:

“i am sending you and lilly something for your shower that’s not for the baby, but is for the two of you because, trust me, you’re going to need it once the baby comes.”

when my huz told me about this, i thought, “wow, i wonder if it’s a gift cert for a nice restaurant or maybe a weekend getaway for future use…”  again, you could say i had high hopes.  very high hopes.

when i got home from work today, my huz told me we got a package from his parents.  of course, i shot right out of my seat and raced over to open it.  and what did they send?

maybe i should give you a moment to make some guesses.  let’s see, they live in a million dollar home, drive luxury cars, have been retired for most of my huz’s life…you get the picture.  what do you think they might have sent for our first baby after multiple miscarriages?

a board game.

i’m not kidding.  i laughed my ass off.  that’s the funniest, most ridiculous gift ever.  oh—and let’s not forget the calendar they sent along as well—the one we already have because it was given to each of us free from the resort we stayed at on maui!  oh my goodness.  i was dying.  so much for our crib dreams…at least from my in-laws. 

but you know what?  i am amazed by the way people have come through for us and been with us in ways we’d never imagined possible.  and that is a gift.

the huzster and i will be on vacation for the coming week or so……i won’t be posting while we’re away, but i promise to post pics upon our return!

i could tell you a million and one adorable stories about my favorite little 2 year old ever, maddie,but today i’ll tell you my #1 most favorite story of all time—at least, so far. 

 

it happened yesterday when i went to get her up from her nap.  we were talking a little bit while she was still standing in her crib when suddenly she looked up at me and said in the most adorable two year old voice you can imagine, “you’re fun.”

 

i wasn’t expecting her to say something sweet in that moment, as we were just chatting and being silly.  i responded, “oh, thank you!  you’re fun, too.”

 

she then melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes when she said, again in the super-sweetest voice ever:

 

“we love each other!”

 

yes, we do.  it’s so true and in many ways, such an understatement.  maddie has played such an  integral part in my personal growth and development……caring for her is a privilege and always leaves me with a longing to mother a child and teaches me how to mother myself better.

 

oh, i know this is just the beginning of the many adorably touching maddie stories to come….she is just too stinking cute for words!

i am hard-pressed to describe in words how adorable my huz-man can be sometimes.  (though i rarely have difficulty describing what a ding-dong he can be at times!)

 

but just now he was doing the most endearing thing ever…out of the blue, he was holding one of our cats over his shoulder saying: “sweetie, i think i’d be good at holding a baby because of all the times i’ve held our cats.”

 

if that wasn’t stangely hilarious and adorable enough, he proceeded to mock burp our cat complete with baby-burping noises.

 

he is too much!  i hardly think fake burping a cat who tolerates being held for 10 seconds at a time makes one baby-ready……….but either way, i’m glad he thinks he’s qualified.

we’re going away this weekend…good friends, good food, awesome weather…i’m turning off my blackberry, unhooking my computer and disappearing from the grid for a few days…

 

but if recent history has taught me anything it’s that i’ll come back with lots of great stories—fertility related or not!

some posts need a little updating to fill you in…let’s see….

 

1. remember the post about the insensitive receptionist at my mfm doctor’s office?  well, it got even better…if you can believe it.

a few days after the phone call, i drove to the medical tower where my doctor’s office was located (at least it was located there back in january when i’d been there last).  i finally found a spot in the parking garage, raced up to the office suite and just when i rounded the corner i saw that the lights were off…boxes lining what used to be the waiting room.  i was thoroughly confused and baffled.  i thought maybe i was on the wrong floor of the tower…did i get off the elevator too early?  what on earth?  no, i was in the right place; i knew i was.  naturally, my phone didn’t get reception in the building….did i mention that by this time i was running late for my appointment with dr. naturo???  i raced out of the building and dialed the mfm doctor’s number.  the long and the short of it?  they moved.  sometime in the last three months they’d moved and didn’t notify at least one of their patients….me.  irritating.  thankfully, they faxed the records in time for my appointment (which i could have just requested in the first place and saved myself the irritation…lesson learned).

 

2. on “one good learning”.  i’ve been inspired by a comment made by a fellow blogger on this post.  she mentioned feeling jealous of cultures that have a place for weeping and wailing when someone dies.  this got me thinking…i’m going to create a place on this blog…a wailing wall of sorts…where women can come and remember their babies, tell their stories of loss and of hope…a place to stuff our fears and prayers and rantings and ravings into the cracks of a wall…to remember and to wail.  look for this addition very soon.

 

3. i mentioned in “the saddest irony” that my huz and i do very few things other than conception well together….i am happy to announce this is no longer true!!  last weekend we successfully hung blinds in our windows together with little to no arguing….fabulous!  i’m so proud of us.

 

4. in bittersweet i wrote of the precious cutie pie, little girl, who asked me if i had milk in my beep-beeps.  what i left out was her question that followed my response….she asked, “lilly, will you show me your beep-beeps?”  i said, “absolutely, i thought you’d never ask!” and ripped my shirt off in a flash.

okay, no i didn’t.  when she asked i thought i was going to crack up or choke on the lunch i was eating, but i contained myself and said, “you’re very interested in my beep-beeps today, aren’t you?”  she looked at me sweetly and made the cutest little “um hmm” noise that meant yes, she was very interested in my beep-beeps.  i thought i would melt from loving her so much in that moment…and i said, “well, really these are kind of boring right now…they’re just for show.  nothing going on in there right now”  and somehow we got onto another subject.  she’s the most delightfully precocious and lovely little 2 1/2 year old ever!

 

5. in “here’s what i’m thinking…”, i wrote that mother’s day was probably going to be difficult because my mom is dead and i’m not a mom.  gratefully, it wasn’t nearly as rough as i’d feared since i’d been grieving, remembering and honoring my feelings in the preceding days. 

but, to my surprise (and not the good kind of suprise), just this morning when i was working out, a staff member came up to me and said, “did you have a nice mother’s day?”  i was thinking, “okay, you can handle this question…be kind to this girl…she didn’t mean anything by it…do-not-be-mean-to-this-girl!”  but i had a bit of difficulty with my response, which came out before i had a chance to fully neuter it of all the ugly feelings i was feeling toward her for asking me such a question.  out popped, “it was fine.  i don’t have kids and my mom is dead, so it was nothing special.”  her face conveyed that she felt the punch i swung at her….and i felt like a jerk for treating her badly and for liking it.  i should have helped her out a bit and just said that mother’s day was fine or whatever…no need to go into details just to make her feel bad.  but in that moment i wanted her to hurt, too. 

 

6. according to my blog stats, someone actually clicked on a link to “be careful what movies you watch” after they googled “adult movie”…makes me wonder what they were thinking when they realized they’d stumbled onto a fertility blog rather than a porn site or something…funny.  i’m not picky–i’ll take my readers any way i can get ’em!

 

and now, my fellow hunters and friends, you are fully updated!

when i was in grad school, they’d plead with us to fill out evaluations on our courses which were to include “at least one good learning” (btw, now that i’m on the receiving end of these evaluations, i know how valuable even one positive comment can be amongst all the critiques!).

 

i recently traveled far and wide to meet with a group of women who’ve suffered pregnancy loss and i took away at least  one good learning, for sure.

 

that is, we–women who’ve lost our little ones, lost confidence in our bodies, lost the chance to nurse our babies, lost the honor of nurturing that little life–we need more opportunities to tell our stories…we need more opportunities to remember our babies and for our babies to be remembered by others.

 

we need safe places to honor, hold and speak of our sorrows.

 

so, when i’m ready, i’m going to start a group in my area for women like us.  and, to me, that inspiration alone was worth the cost of admission.

see?  i told you i’d think of things that make me happy.  and it only took a day or two!  now that’s  impressive.  i might be fertility-challenged, but i’m certainly not challenged in the forced-thinking-up-some-pleasantries-quick-before-we-all-drown-in-my-sorrows department, now am i?

 

thing 1:

 

fluffy pink blossoms against a bright blue sky on a walk in the park.

 

pink-blossoms

 

thing 2:

 

a coffee break in the middle of the day with my Huz.

 

thing 3:

 

daffodils1

 

bright yellow daffodils….heellllllooooo springtime!!

 

thing 4:

 

this video of christian the lion set to whitney houston’s i’ll always love you.  i cry every time i watch this.  i can feel the love between that lion and the men who set him free.  and  i remember belting out this song when i was much younger…certain i sounded just like whitney–not a chance!

 

 

thing 5:

 

okay, now i’m struggling a bit.  let me think…don’t pressure me; i’m sure i’ll come up with something…..