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holy moly.

our lil’ bear is already three months old.  three months since that glorious day!  and while i don’t pine away for the first 6 weeks after she was born, i do pine away for our labor and birth experience.  so amazing.

and already three months ago…!

where does the time go?

i guess it goes into learning to roll over, smiling and then having a first giggle, finding hands to suck on and trying so hard to reach out for mama’s face without luck so far…yes, these are busy days for the bear family.

she is so fun…and funny, too.

in other developmental news, we approached an earlier bedtime…we started at 3:30a when she was born and slowly moved up to 11:30p.  we stayed there for a long while and finally moved up to 7:30p, which frankly i thought was fabulous…but it gets even better!  now, cross our fingers, we’ve settled on 6:15-6:30-ish and i think we’ll be here for a while until it likely gets a bit later again…maybe 7ish.

those evenings are a dream!

although, the minute i started to get used to this new routine, we had a rough night (last night)…a bit of trouble settling down and some gas pains in the night–ouch!

now i’m counting down to the end of the 3a feed…which i will very likely miss when the time comes.  such is life…a bundle of ambivalence.

i want her to grow and i want her to stay tiny forever.

                                               happy 3 months, lil’ bear!

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i’ve been working on my resume and job-hunting a bit this week, as i contemplate my new role as mother and career woman (or so i am hoping).

in perusing my files i came across a short essay i wrote for a vocational and occupational class i took in 2008 as part of my graduate education.  it was to be my statement of intent—a declaration of my career goals and pursuits.  i wrote it just one week after the first day of my very first miscarriage, when i found it difficult to declare even what i’d wear that day, much less what i was going to do with my life.  my graduation was just a few months away and i didn’t care anymore…it reads as follows:

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A mere eight weeks ago, my statement of intent may have read: when I graduate I plan to celebrate in a big way—months of celebration, culminating in a two week exotic vacation with my husband who consistently believes in my ability as a therapist even when I do not.  Along with celebrating, I also intend to begin the process of setting up my private practice by securing office space and designing my webpage.  I also intend to pursue possible agency work to gain experience and hours in a clinical setting.  I set goals for myself including securing fifteen clients by December 2008 and creating an office space that reflects warmth, tenderness and safety.  I felt like I would burst into the sky like a rocket ship from anticipation at the thought of embarking on fulfilling these goals and dreams.

Just four weeks ago, my statement of intent completely shifted when I discovered I was pregnant.  Fear and delight gripped me at the thought of rearranging my timeline, my vision of what life would look like in the coming months as I would need to make an enormous amount of space in my life for a tiny little bundle.  I had not previously known how deeply I desired to mother.  Then, my intention was to put my professional aspirations temporarily on hold, perhaps facilitating a group one night per week until I felt freer to pursue my goals.  I envisioned pushing back my “fifteen client” goal about two years from now.  I was beginning to wrap my mind around the possibility of being a mom and a therapist as a new “timeline” began to take shape in me.

In the wake of my miscarriage, I no longer have a clue what in the world I will be doing (or even feeling like doing) tomorrow, much less in three months.  At this moment in time the idea of making a declaration of my intentions, professing my hopes and dreams, feels unbearable.  I feel enraged.  I feel scared.  As it turns out, I was on the rocket ship Challenger, which exploded in mid-air.  In the wake of trauma and death, I am again so painfully aware of the fragility of life.  Making declarations such as these requires a level of bold courage and hope that I am currently not able to locate within myself.  However, I believe that tiny little pockets of hope are hidden among the ashes.  I will wait for them to bubble to the surface and I will honor my desire by continuing to hope for a future as a therapist and a mother, whatever shape that will take.  When I graduate, I intend to remain close to my heart, give myself as much space as possible to grieve and heal, and retain the tenderness and passion I have come to love about myself as a therapist.  Beyond that, I am unable to say at this point.  I will keep you posted.

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may i say, i am SO relieved to be past those early, early days.  i do not know how i got through them…i do know that i felt clueless as to where i was headed or why.

and while the memories of my much desired pregnancies remain ever with me, i feel so different today.  i feel content in a new way that i’ve not previously known.  i feel inspired to pursue my career goals more freely and more fully than i have up to this point.  i feel empowered.

and i still don’t have a clue where i’m headed…but i know where i’ve been and i believe and trust that my biggest asset today is my ability to find my way through those painful, horrific seasons with some sort of dignity. 

what i know now that i didn’t know then is that i’d one day have a lil’ bear whose smile melts my heart to no end.

and she’s exactly 12 weeks old today!

i.am.so.grateful.

usually when my huz gets home from work he “takes over” baby duty for a little while to give me a break…we’re most often still all together, but he’s the one primarily tending to her needs in those instances.  (after a short rest, we go back to tag-teamin’ it.)

today was no exception.  he came home from work to find us sitting on the front porch.  when he came out to join us, i handed our little sweetie over to her papa while we chatted.  at some point, she let us know it was time for a little pre-bedtime snooze…which is when i let my huz know i thought it would be nice if he took a turn putting her down.

he obliged me, no problem…and after 20 mins went by without him emerging from the bedroom, i went up to inspect the situation…actually, i was working myself up to have a talk with him about how we aren’t rocking her to sleep anymore–i just knew that’s what was taking him so long!

i opened the door to find that my huz had fallen asleep in bed beside the bassinette for a little pre-bedtime nap, too.  so sweet…the two of them drifting off to dreamland together.

i really am going to miss having her in our room!  i feel so torn, but i know when the time is right for the three of us, it will be okay…and even a good thing.

i’ve felt torn over whether to post pics of our little bear on here.  but she’s just so adorable, how can i keep her to myself any longer?

here are a few of my favorites…

our bear in her special little hat from guatemala…a gift

 

 

i just love this pic…her binky face is just the sweetest

 

oh to be this peaceful…such sweetness…

as they say, don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched!

i guess i did some pre-mature chicken counting.  either that or our little bear has been reading this blog and decided to teach me a lesson. 🙂  (although i shouldn’t complain b/c she did sleep for 6 hours straight last night and was either sleeping or eating from 9p to 9a…i’m thinking we’ll be back on track in no time.)

it seems this cold has really knocked us down a few pegs in the learning-to-sleep and the sleeping through the night departments….sadly.

our little sniffle bear is still sniffling away…so much so that we got a cool mist vaporizer to see if that would help her sleep.  my huz has some kind of bug that he’s fighting off, too, so we’re hurtin’ over here in the bear family.

but…i did hear of the cutest thing from springroll over at from here to fertility.  she told me in a comment about wubbanubs…these adorable little stuffed animals that hold a paci in place for your little sprite.

they are too cute and i’m seriously contemplating getting one to see if that would help her locate it when it slips from her mouth…most of the time she cries out and all she needs us to do is replace it for her a couple of times until she’s in a deep enough sleep not to care anymore.  i find this a simple, but highly annoying task.  up and down the stairs trying to will that stupid binky to stay in her mouth or hoping she’ll give up caring if she’s sucking anymore.

but she doesn’t typically like to suck on that type of paci, so i’m not sure if it will work.  i did give her a paci like the wubbanub paci to her this afternoon and she sucked on it for a bit, which surprised me…maybe it would work afterall?

do any of you have any wubbanub experience?  do tell!

in other breaking news…………..yesterday was a papa bear and baby bear day.  i was off to a conference all day in a nearby city, while my huz was on full-time solo baby patrol.  they did fabulously, even though both are under the weather!  my huz doesn’t really realize what a big deal it is for me that he’s as well-versed in caring for our little bear as i am (well, i like to think i’m a little better at it!).  🙂  it makes me very happy that we’re both so invested in her little life.  i could not–and would not want to–do this on my own.  hats off to single parents everywhere!

and a major hats off to my huz!

sadly, our little chica got her first cold this week.  it is so sad to hear her little sniffly nose as she’s eating and sleeping…and those sweet little sneezes!

this week i learned that she hates it when i suction her nose (but who wouldn’t?!).

i learned that she can have some very strange-looking and/or very brightly colored poops!

i was also reminded this week that i’m prone to paranoia and anxiety when it comes to my child’s health.  i was terrified that this was more than a cold and we would surely lose her.

and after this experience there’s no denying that i like to find someone to blame when hard things happen…my huz brought this bug home from work! or a friend brought it over and didn’t wash their hands well enough!  somebody made her sick and it wasn’t me!

…because i guess if it’s someone else’s fault then my worst fears won’t come true…that i’m a bad mom and it’ my fault that she’s sick for not protecting her better.

so, as you can tell i had a mini-meltdown earlier this week. 

then when we were at her two month well baby check the doctor said she was looking fabulous and that she wasn’t concerned about the virus passing thru okay, i calmed a bit.  i learned that licorice root is an anti viral that we can give her, hence her sweet little licorice lips…it’s so cute to watch her lap that up!  she’s also very cute when she’s licking her probiotic powder off my finger.  i’m so hoping that one day soon she can tolerate me having dairy again!

we also learned she’s weighing in at 10lbs 15oz…our little 2 month old chunk of love!

by all accounts, the learning-to-sleep campaign is going well.  we’ve gone from an 11:30p bedtime where we’re all wired and exhausted to a 7:30-8p bedtime where the only time we hear from our little bear again is to eat until 6 or 7a…and then she often goes right back down for another couple of hours…or she might stay up for 45 mins and then go down for a long nap.  today, wonder of wonders, she went down for her last nap without a peep and without her binky.  i’m not sure what’s more monumental, the missing peep or the missing binky.  oh how she loves her binky.  it seems after weeks of overstimulation and sleeplessness (for a newborn), we have ourselves a sleeper.

i know this is what she needs.

i know this is good.

but guess what?

i miss her.  i miss all the hours of holding and cuddling and smooching her.  i miss being close and feeling her warmth.  i miss all her little twitches and the way her lips move in her dreams.  i miss the smell of her sweet, sweet breath. 

i just miss her.

and at the same time i know we couldn’t have gone on as we were.  she’s growing everyday and my back and shoulders were aching under the strain of holding, swaying and patting her while she slept.  i was beginning to resent her for all of the energy it was taking to get her to sleep even 45 mins…and what’s worse is that she was just so tired…unable to sleep much at all.

so, i’m torn…on one hand i am so proud of this bear family…we worked and worked for over 10 days to get to this point…our little one gave it her all and now she’s able to finally get the rest she needs. 

on the other hand, i miss my girl.

it’s been quite a while since i wrote, hey?

there are many reasons for this, but the main ones are:

~sleep deprivation—-i had no idea how negatively affected i’d be by lack of sleep over such a long stretch of time.  i need my sleep even more than i knew.

~too busy—-this is only partially true b/c i’m not too busy to write emails or make phone calls when i want to, but it is kind of true.

~ashamed of some of the more difficult feelings i’ve been experiencing—-i wasn’t prepared to feel the level of “negative” emotions i’ve had since she was born.  it’s difficult to accept that these are also part of the package of mothering a little one so full of need and vulnerability.  but it’s true.  at least for me.  sometimes i feel angry or resentful or frustrated or enraged or numb or checked out.  and i’m embarrassed.  but i know these are part and parcel of this stage of life and mothering, so i try not to hold it against myself. i try to just let this process be what it is.  and make every attempt at managing all that i’m feeling so that i don’t take it out on our precious, innocent little bear.  after all, she’s just doing what little babies do…communicating primarily through her tears.

but here i am, expressing myself once again through writing.  knowing that this is one kind and helpful way for me to make my way through these experiences successfully…with grace and dignity.

i’m learning there are similarities in birth and in death……for instance, the day my mom died my world stopped…life as i knew it would never be the same…i am not the same.  thursday, april 1st 2010, our lives changed forever yet again, time stopped, life as i know it will never be the same…but this time because of life and birth.  and what a wild, beautiful ride it has been since then.

i had no idea when i woke up on weds march 31st that my labor would begin that evening…i just went about my day, wondering how much longer until she made her debut.  all along i’d been thinking she’d be born on the 30th, so when the 30th came and went i was out of guesses.  would we have another whole weekend together, just huz and sweetie?  i really thought we would.

and then that evening at 6:53p i felt the first contraction.  still, we weren’t sure for quite a while whether this would turn out to be another practice session or if this was the real deal.  but as my mucus plug began to release, i knew this was it.

in the beginning, every contraction was pure excitement.  i’d had so many practice rounds that i was prepared for what they felt like and i faithfully listened to my birth affirmations and my relaxation techniques on my ipod as the frequency and intensity increased throughout the night.  when i called my midwife around 9:30p to let her know that i believed we were experiencing the real deal, she said, “have half a glass of red wine, go to bed at your usual time and try to sleep…true labor will not be slowed.  and you’re going to need the rest.”

i didn’t bother with the red wine b/c i don’t generally like the taste…though we do happen to have an unopened bottle in the house, but i just didn’t feel like forcing something down that i didn’t want to drink…so i took a hot shower to relax instead.  then off to bed with my birth affirmations playing  in my ear. 

my goal all along was to labor as long as possible at home before heading to the birth center.  since we’d decided against working with a doula, i wasn’t sure how feasible this was going to be, but still i’d hoped i’d do most of my laboring here.

and boy did i!  all night long i’d doze off only to be woken every 8-7-6-5 mins to another contraction.  they were becoming more intense and finally at 5a i got up to take another shower and to move around in general.  that’s when they started coming 4 mins apart, so after an hour of consistant 4min contractions lasting a min each, i called my midwife again.  we decided i’d call her back when something changed again…as in if my water broke or the contractions became noticeably more intense, closer together, etc.

an hour later, i called again b/c i’d begun feeling shaky, slightly nauseous and the contractions were stronger.  so, we left for the birth center about 20mins later…it’s a 40-45 min drive there and this was during rush hour, so we were hoping we’d not get stuck in any traffic.  gotta love those hov lanes!  the drive was MUCH better than i thought it would be…my contractions were still very intense, but they slowed in frequency while we were on the road…thank you body!  we arrived shortly after 8a.

this is when things started to get really exciting for me…i could not believe we were actually there because our baby was finally coming to us!!  i was so happy and excited and our midwife and the student midwife were both surprised at how “chipper” i was, especially when i agreed that they could check me and found that i was at 7cm already!

well, if i wasn’t chipper and excited before this news, i certainly was after.  my huz and i celebrated my good work with a double high-five and two of our friends arrived at the birth center to support us.  though not in our birthing suite for the birth, they did spend a while with us until i began to feel the need for privacy.  i loved knowing they were in the building, there for us, anticipating with us…so glad we invited them and they were each able to be there on that particular day.

at around 10-10:30ish a.m. i decided to get in the tub to see what i thought of laboring there for a while.  i liked it and decided to stay put for as long as i was comfortable, which turned out to be the whole time.

at some point we decided they would check me again……..and wouldn’t you know it—her head was at +1 already!  that’s when i reached up there and felt her head for the first time…absolutely incredible.  as my water remained intact at that point, we talked about whether i’d like them to break it for me or if i’d like to wait and allow it to release naturally.  

i’d always wanted to wait for my water to release naturally, mainly because once it’s broken, it’s broken…they can’t go back and undo it….which can set a person up for further interventions that i was not interested in having….but since she was definitely–without a doubt–coming (+1 already!!), my huz and i agreed to go ahead and have them break it for us. 

the whole water breaking thing was kind of anti-climatic………at first.

and it was just as my hypnobirthing teacher told me—when my baby and my body were ready, my uterus would begin to contract downward to bring our baby to us…i just needed to focus on directing my breathing downward, rather than breathing up, as i was during the thinning and opening phase of labor. 

well, holy.mother.of.god.

yes, my body did just that………my uterus surged downward…it literally heaved in the most unexpected way—at least, it was unexpected for this first-timer.  and with that massive heaving a huge gush of amniotic fluid was forced from my body.  when the contraction ended i exclaimed, “holy crap!  i feel like i just threw up out of my vagina!”

my midwife started cracking up and said she’d never quite heard it described that way.  well, i ask you, how else could i describe it?  that’s just exactly what it felt like…an out-of-control-heaving while fluid was expelled from me! 

so, for 53 mins the heaving came four minutes apart.  i could tell with each contraction that her head was getting lower and lower through the birth canal.  it was amazing.  

at some point one of the midwives sneezed while i was in the midst of a contraction.  when it finished, i said, “bless you.”  everyone started laughing and that’s when i realized how silly it must have been to have this woman in active labor, in the midst of heavy contractions saying bless you to someone sneezing….but really, that’s just how present i was in the moment.  my senses were hightened.  and i was very aware of not wanting to be left alone.  not that anyone was going anywhere, but i was hyper-aware of my huz’s presence and the student midwife who was doing all the hands on work with me. 

and then she began to crown…she’d come down with the contraction, stretch my tissues and then go back.  down, stretch, back.  down, stretch, back.  my midwives were awesome about letting me know this was natural and good…our baby was stretching my tissues so that her head could comfortably emerge.  well, somewhat more comfortably than if she just rocketed out with that first heave!

and then they told me i could feel her head.

feel her head!

i have tears right now just remembering that precious moment.  the first time i felt her silky hair waving in the water.  her sweet, soft little head.  i never thought to ask if i could see it.  and as far as i know my eyes were closed…all i know is that i wasn’t looking at anything; i was deep inside of myself, visualizing the stretching and unfolding…feeling her head travel down the canal and into our arms.

then i heard our midwife say she could see some cord around her neck.  but that she wasn’t able to get it off until the next contraction.  i remember feeling absolutely panicked when i heard this.  the cord being around her neck was something i’d been fearing (and trying not to fear) for many months.  i was just certain it was going to be that way.  but then i’d fear that my fear was going to make it happen, so i’d try not to fear.  i’d visualize her unwinding before coming down the canal.  but, alas, the cord was around her neck.  they told me this happens 40 percent of the time and that it was okay. 

then at 12:24p, our little bear emerged.  our midwife helped my huz catch her and place her on my chest.  i remember hearing him say that she was slippery.  and she was limp.  and i was freaking out.  there was all this blood in the water and i was scared.  scared she wouldn’t breathe and scared i was dying from hemmoraging.  then i heard our midwife say, “she’s okay.  just talk to her and rub her back.”  so i did just that.  i told her, “mommy’s here.  you’re okay.  you can breathe now.  mommy’s here.”  and i rubbed and i rubbed and i felt panicky and i looked into susanne’s (student midwife) eyes and pleadingly asked her if our baby was going to be okay…and she looked directly back into my eyes with piercing strength and said, “yes.  everything is okay.”  and i believed her.  all of this took seconds? minutes? hours?  i have no idea how long that was.  all i know is that the moment susanne assured me all was well, i breathed.  and so did our little bear.  first a little breathy cough.  and then she wailed.

and i was so happy.  but still scared i was going to bleed out.  i remember pausing to assess my physical sensations and thinking, “well, let’s see.  i don’t feel like i’m dying.  maybe that means i’m going to live.”

and live i did. 

oh, and i forgot to talk about the placenta…that precious, hearty placenta!  what a miraculous thing, i say!

i didn’t know until later that my huz took detailed pictures of it for me (he knows this part of me so well…he knew i’d just love to see it all even after the moment was over).  they also showed it to me, all the parts and the cord.  amazing.  amazing.

and then they took a piece of the art paper i brought and pressed it onto the inside surface (the side baby was against in the womb)…we’d heard the blood vessals make the shape of a tree if you press it to paper…and it sure does!  many have asked me what i plan to do with these papers (they did it more than once before finding the masterpiece!).  well, to that i say………..i have NO idea.  none. but it’s just an amazing image to me…a tree shape on the inside surface of the placenta on which my baby rested and bumped and thrived for so many months…that’s just crazy.  but even crazier was when another student midwife offered to dehydrate the placenta and put it into capsules for me.  i said to susanne, “listen.  i do a lot of crazy shit.  i really do.  but i am not going to eat a placenta.  that’s too crazy, even for me.”  placenta tablets?!  not for me.

all the rest is a whirlwind.  by 4:20p that afternoon we were heading home (just four hours after she was born!)…the three of us in our car for the first time as a family.  we pulled into our garage a little after 5p that day…just like a normal work day….left home at 7:20a and returned just after 5!  all in a day’s work, if i do say so myself.

and this, my friends, is our birth story…together my baby and my body worked to bring about the most amazing miracle ever.

since then, it’s been quite the roller coaster…quite.  i’ve felt every emotion from sheer joy, to grief, to rage, and back to elation.  there is no way to express it all and frankly, i feel ashamed at times for the more negative feelings i experience.  but they’re real, too.  a very real part of the process of coming in to motherhood.

i’m just loving this new role of mothering our little bear…she’s soft and warm and lovely.  easy to soothe.  easy to love.  and so tenderly vulnerable and trusting.  sometimes i’m overwhelmed to look at her and see her vulnerable little body, so trusting, so full of need, so open to receiving our love.

and as much as i’m deeply in love with this little baby, i also at times feel anxious, crabby, craving sleep, agitated and personally, quite difficult to soothe.

today i found myself pondering how it is that i can possibly mother our little baby when the little baby inside of myself–the young, vulnerable, needy places within me–needs such tender mothering…this seems so connected to the intense grief i feel around the reality of my mom’s death.  i so long for her to mother me as i mother my own child.

thankfully, as my huz returned to working half days this week, i have a friend coming down to spend the days with us…mothering us, as it were…cooking meals for eating and freezing…folding laundry and holding our lil’ bear while we try to sleep.

i am truly grateful for friends who will stand in the space that’s so achingly void of my own mother’s physical presence.

and i miss her so.

i desperately wish i could see her face as she looks at our baby for the first time.

i wish she could have been there to see our birth…she would have been truly amazed.  i know it.  and so proud of me.

i wish.i wish.i wish.i wish.

mostly, now i find myself wishing and hoping that when our baby girl is bigger she will tell us tales of visits from her grandma…i am quite sure they have already met…in that mysterious, other worldly place and i can’t wait until she has the words to tell us all about it.